Non-New York Morons

We all know that I have been living in the Silver State for a few months now. I’ve basically been renting out the first floor of a house for a while now. I share my living room and kitchen with my landlord. He travels for work, so essentially, I have the whole house to myself. Now, don’t get me wrong, we all know I’m a prick, but I’m a great roommate. I’m ridiculously clean. I don’t leave a dirty dish in the sink for more than an hour, I clean the kitchen every Saturday, I vacuum often enough, and I even clean my room once a week. For fuck’s sake, I even clean my landlord’s cat’s litter, feed the little fuck, and tape roll the couch to get the hair off of it. Does this all benefit me? Of course it does, but hey, at least I’m not some scum bag living in this guys house. Last Friday the 2nd, I get a text from this fucking guy (my landlord), saying his friend and the friend’s girlfriend were going to stay in the spare room for a few days. So let’s all take a second to realize that I’m writing this blog 11 days after I’ve received that text and these two fat pigs are sitting on my couch in their filth. But we’ll get to that. On the 2nd, I told myself that it will just be a few days and it’s no big deal.

I meet them on Friday night and they proceed to tell me that they are here to work “Cowboy Christmas” here in Vegas. I let that thought stew in my head for a few seconds as I was about to ask them what the event was. Right before I asked, it dawned on me that I couldn’t give a flying fuck what it was, so I just responded with “sounds fun.” The first couple days they were here were fine. They worked all day and I never saw them until 7 at night and they would go straight to bed. So let’s fast forward to Saturday the 10th. They came home around 9 at night and I had just returned from the bar. I was pretty buzzed at this point. I decided to find out a little bit about these people who had been living in my house for more than a week. I don’t remember exactly what they said about themselves, but if I had to put it in my own words it probably went something like this… “Yeah dude we’re from Tennessee, and we’re both hicks. She’s my first cousin and she looks like that because we like to keep the breed strong. We were both home schooled so we don’t know how to communicate with real people beside our family. Also, I sell toilets for a living at trade shows.” The last part is actually true. Hopefully you get the gist of what kind of people I’m dealing with here. They seemed nice enough. I actually told my mom that they were nice people. Obviously I jinxed myself. Before I went to sleep on Saturday, I told them I’d be watching football all day on Sunday if they wanted to join me. They did, and they knew nothing about football. Literally nothing. But whatever, that is besides the point. They sat on the couch with me all day long. All fucking day. They have never been to Vegas before and they have spent the last three days sitting on my fucking couch, using my fucking Xbox, to watch my fucking Netflix like the two lazy fucks they are. Whatever. If you want to be to fat fucks eating fast food all day and shit that’s fine. Be my fucking guest. Monday is where it went real south for me. I wake up for work at 6:30 am. This guy comes down stairs and asks me if he can play my Xbox games. So I give him the fucking games… before 7 in the morning… and he’s a fucking chatterbox. This guys got more to say than 10/10 WINS news giving me the world in 22 minutes. Like fuck dude its 7 in the morning, shut the fuck up. I come home from work and the gym around 645 pm and there they both are, watching fucking Disney movies like two fuckin mamalukes. This motherfucker has a down blanket on the couch with him and it looks as if they had a fucking naked pillow fight in the house and got feathers everywhere. It doesn’t even seem to phase him when I ask what the feathers were from. He just responds, “Its an old down blanket, that always happens.” He doesn’t even ask where the vacuum is. So I just walk away and jump in the shower. I come out and he asks me if i want to go with them to get “shrimp alfredo” from Walmart. I say, “that’s gonna be a no from me.” So he starts asking me what wine I think would go with that. So I respond with, “maybe a pinot grigio or a riesling” like I’m some fucking wine connoisseur or something. He then asks me if I know if they sell that at Walmart. I just look at him like he’s a fucking moron and say, “I don’t know but there’s liquor stores everywhere here, it’s Vegas.” They return 2 hours later with moscato and chardonnay. Two dumb fucks. I leave the living room at this point because I’m over them at this point. I’m sitting in my room and I keep hearing someone opening and closing my fucking bathroom door. I rent this fucking bathroom. It’s mine. I don’t share it. My toothbrush and everything that is bathroom related sits on my counter. I’m not about to deal with people shitting and pissing in my bathroom and then washing their hands over my stuff. But here’s the kicker, they weren’t washing their hands. You would here the toilet flush and 2 seconds later the bathroom door opens. After the fifth time they use my bathroom in two hours I’m enraged. So I go out to investigate. I go in to the kitchen, which is an absolute disaster from the cooking “shrimp alfredo”. You know what I see on the fucking kitchen counter? A bottle of fucking X-Lax. This motherfuckers girlfriend is drinking X-Lax dumping the disgusting contents of her body into my toilet every fucking 20 minutes. At this point I lose it. I go in my room and just get this pain in my stomach because I’m so angry. This feeling I get usually coincides with me wanting to bury someone in the middle of death valley. So instead I decide to be passive aggressive, because I don’t have a lease here and I can’t deal with getting kicked out of my house before February 1st (the day I plan on moving the fuck out). I hid all of the toilet paper in my room. I don’t know how all of you would deal with this situation. Suggestions would be greatly appreciated. This took me about an hour to write and these two fucks are still sitting on my fucking couch like a combined Jabba the fucking Hutt eating McDonald’s and shrimp alfredo, sucking down a 5 dollar bottle of Moscato from Walmart. SO god fucking help me not end up in prison by Friday, because that would really put a damper on my weekend.

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