So, I have been working at the same facility as a Speech Pathologist for a year now. It has been quite a year, as many of you have read from my previous blogs. In honor of closing in on a year, here are some quotes from my patients.
“My great, great, grandparents were slaves in Lithuania”
Now, to understand this one, you really have to understand the context of the conversation… there was none. I swear that this man just told me this piece of information as if he was telling me what he had for breakfast before he showed up. This is what amazes me about my job. People will tell me anything. So naturally, I ask as few questions as possible.
“I wish they had smaller cups in restaurants”
I wrote about this one in an earlier blog. Why the fuck should they shrink the size of the glass for you? This one still amazes me. We’re going to shrink the glasses so that you can take the exact number of sips and not have any leftover water. Its alright lady, the fish will survive. Stay hydrated out there.
“I’m going home to hopefully have a sexual rendezvous with my wife”
To be honest, I don’t remember who said this. I write all these quotes down in my notebooks, but I don’t put names next to the quotes. Figure I owe these people at least that. They are paying my salary. But whatever, kudos to this man still getting it on.
“I’m 70 years old and I’ve never told a lie, I’m a girl scout”
The funny part about this one is I’m pretty positive she’s not lying. She literally is a girl scout. She’s queen of the goody-two shoes. I don’t want to say how old she is, but that’s one hell of a long run of telling the truth.
“How’s your hearing?” “what did you say?”
I’m sitting in the office with my patient and his wife. His wife is complaining that he can’t hear her. This patient starts arguing saying that his hearing is fine. I interrupt him and ask, “how’s your hearing?” He answered, “what did you say?” Classic mix-up.
“Did you have nookie?”
My girl scout patient asked me this when I told her my girlfriend was in town. She was literally smiling and giggling like a school girl.
“Yesterday they had free wine at the club house, I went down and drank a whole bottle.”
This guy had wine stains on his shirt while spewing this. So, I’m fairly certain he crushed that bottle of wine.
“Oh look, I’m bleeding”
Several of patients have said this to me. The most recent occurrence, the guy wiped it off his arm and then shook my hand. Like what the fuck is that, guy. At least don’t wipe it on me. How am I supposed to straight face you until you leave? Get the fuck out of here.
“I shook hands with Donald Trump at a house party in the hamptons 40 years ago…Douche”
This guy is my favorite patient. Always ruthless. That’s the thing I have in common with old people. I say literally whatever my brain is thinking.
“Mr. Vincent, what’s that thing on your forehead”
So, two things wrong here. First off, several patients asked me this one day when I had a giant pimple on my forehead. What the fuck do you think it is? Second, why do people call me Mr. Vincent. Does that even make sense? I introduce myself as Vincent. Why would I want to be called Mr. Vincent?
“I go dancing 3 times a week, this one woman, she really likes to dance right on top of me”
This guy is just the happiest guy in the world. It’s unreal that someone can be that happy after being on this earth for that long. That sounds super cynical, but it is interesting when you find someone who isn’t bitter.
“It’s my wife” as he shuts his flip phone shut and doesn’t give a fuck
His phone starts ringing in the middle of the session and he reaches in his pocket to grab it. He opens it up, looks at it, and sees it’s his wife. He looks up at me and says, “it’s my wife” and shuts the flip phone. 50 years of marriage and the guy is still a fuckboy. The flip phone made this so much better.
“My son is a fat fuck”
This lady was explaining why she was late for her session. Savage mom.
“It’s always good to be a tad bad”
She was responding to me when I told her to have a good weekend. She always tells me to not be too good, because I won’t have any fun.
“Pretty good, although its hard being pretty and good”
Every morning I would ask him how he was doing. This would be his response. Everyday he would laugh at this, as if he had just come up with the greatest joke on earth. He left the clinic for about a year and then came back. I asked him how he had been this year. Guess what this guy’s response was.
And here are a couple more that are all very similar, but very mean.
“You must really hate your job,”
No, I don’t but thanks.
“You must get pretty bored doing this,”
Doesn’t everyone get bored at their job? I have to be excited about listening to the same story you told me 20 times already? Sorry, not today.
“Do you even like doing this,”
Well, I’m fucking sitting here talking to you, aren’t I?
And my very favorite, “What are your going to do after you’re a speech teacher?”
After I’m a speech teacher? This is it man. You’re looking at it. There isn’t an after. I didn’t just walk in here and apply like it was a McDonald’s. He thought this was like my summer job. I’m not saying its brain surgery but I did have to show up to class and get a degree.
So here we are, one year in Vegas this coming Tuesday. I sit and think sometimes about where I’m going to keep finding things to write about. But all I have to do is sit there and wait. Because remember, if you look hard enough, you’ll find an idiot in everyone.