A Grown Ass Leprechaun

I went out for drinks with Marisa and Effie last night (Effie is our dog, in case you missed that). We were sitting outside, just relaxing, having a beer. Unfortunately, Effie attracts large amounts of unwanted attention. You’d think we would want people to come up to us, being that we have no friends. But, only wack jobs want to talk with us. Cue the St. Patrick’s day dressing Green Bay fan.

A man walks out of the bar and comes on to the patio He sits down at the table next us. This was a grown ass man wearing a Brett Favre jersey, a Green Bay hat, St. Patrick’s day beads around his neck, and cargo shorts on a Wednesday night before football season has even started. The only time a grown man should be wearing a football jersey, is if he is sitting in front of the television, watching his team play. Sitting with his back turned to us, Mr. Irish keeps dragging his cigarette, turning his head and looking at Effie. As hard as I was trying to ignore him, because of how drunk he was, it was inevitable. He turned his chair around and through his red, glassy eyes, you could sense his absolute misery and need to talk to someone.

After he hit us with a few questions about the dog, his boyfriend came out to the table. The only reason I mention this is because it seemed like they were a sitcom-like couple. Here, you had this tall, Irish, drunk, chain smoking cigarettes, and his much smaller and stouter, much older, Hispanic boyfriend. They were going back and forth, just digging at each other. The banter was pretty funny.

They start telling us how they want another dog and that they had a chocolate lab. We didn’t ask what happened to the dog, but as you can bet, we got the full story… with extras. He tells us about how it was the cutest and most loyal dog ever. You know, the basic story everyone gives about their dead dog.

Smokey McGee says, “we took her to Lake Havasu all the time and she loved the water.” For context, Lake Havasu is a man-made lake dug out of the Colorado River where college kids from the desert party during Spring Break. “We played with the dog all day in the water and she ate too many bugs,” Connor McJerkoff tells us. Why would you play with the dog all day in the water, if it was continuously eating bugs? Also, where could this possibly be going? He informs us, “She got really sick from eating the bugs and we tried to rush her to the hospital, but we didn’t make it in time. So, she died in my arms.” Okay man, enough with the sob story, nobody asked for this shit. The kicker is, he tells us, “yea, um, so we buried her in the river.” You buried your dog in a river? Or did you throw your dead dog in the river like a frickin serial killer? Let me know how you bury a dog in a river. He says, “We buried her in the river because that’s the last place she had fun.” Yeah, or was it just the most convenient place for you to toss your dead animal, so you didn’t have to cart her back across the desert to Las Vegas in your car for 2 and half hours. Maybe I’m just a skeptic or a cynic, but I didn’t see Patches O’Douchebag really catching feelings for a dog. Seemed more of the kind of guy who would have a shirt that said, “I’d rather be doing heroin.”

Finally, the guys walk back in to the bar and on the way in the Jerk MaGurk gives his boyfriend a nice smack on the ass. Marisa and I immediately start laughing as soon as the bar doors close. I say, “I can’t wait to get home and write about this.”

Not more than two minutes later, the jolly green idiot walks out holding hands with a girl. They walk away and Marisa and I look at each other thinking, “wait a second.” Another minute later, his boyfriend walks out holding hands with a girl as well. I was absolutely flabbergasted. Maybe I was wrong from the beginning, which is very much so a possibility. I don’t know if this makes me judgmental or not. I guess if I was wrong it would make me judgmental, but I’m pretty sure I was right. Marisa agreed with me but who really knows I guess. I think there is definitely a secret relationship going on, well, at least I hope there is. I’ll definitely be going back to find out. Either way, this is the best kept secret I’ve ever seen, because I’m not sure if this leprechaun is hiding a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow or if he’s hiding the whole damn rainbow right in front of her.

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