When is the last time you have made a friend? Was it because you were perfect soulmate bffs? Or was it because you just spend x amount of time with each other? Did you start talking because you have the most similar interests? Or do you just have a similar complaints throughout the day as they do? What the fuck is a friend if not a person you jointly complain with?
If you ‘re now saying to yourself, “no, I make friends all the time by getting to know people and their interests,” I’d have to say you’re a better person than me. I haven’t made a new friend in about 9 months. Going to school, you make friends easily. The purpose of college is to network. If you can jump through all the hoops while you’re “networking”, then you get this stupid piece of paper at the end that says you’re smart. Don’t let it fool you, you’re not. You can even go back for two more years and get a master’s degree to be even smarter. Once again, that doesn’t make you any smarter either. The one thing you probably did gain, is a few solid friends, whom you may not even be friends with any longer after you left.
Now, let’s get to the real problem. How to make friends as an adult. Is that even a possible thing? I live with my girlfriend now, so it’s not like I can just go find new roommates to make friends with. So, what do we do to make new friends?
Well the first thing we did was tried to become regulars at a bar. If you read this blog before then you know this. If not, go back and read it, I don’t have time to re-explain. We decided after slowly becoming regulars at this bar that we actually fucking hated it. The bar was filled with smoke and the worst people in the world. The last time we went, we sat next to some fat shmuck who was drinking Budweiser and sang the entirety of Jolene by Zac Brown Band. As he was about 1/4 of the way into the song, I asked Marisa if she wants to go somewhere else, and I got the usual indecisive girlfriend answer (no offense Bae). Now about half way through the song, I ask again and get the same response. 3/4 of the way through, I finally decide I have had it and say, “chug that beer, this is no longer “our” bar, we have to leave So, clearly, regulars at the bar is not an option.
Then we thought we’d try BumbleBFF. We thought let’s try something really fucking stupid. If you’re wondering if that worked. Don’t wonder, don’t try it. Fuck the internet when it comes to making friends. For all you people that met on Tinder, let me know how that’s going.
Finally, we thought let’s go out and meet friends the old-fashioned way, we’ll go to a bar. Well, we did just that. First bar, there was no one around. We scouted out a few couples and came up with their interesting back stories. All in all, they weren’t for us. The next bar, well, we obviously made no friends, otherwise why would I be writing this bullshit. But we did see this one drunk psychopath. This jerk off was surrounded by 3 Vegas juiceheads and one of her girlfriends. She had her eyebrows drew in just perfectly, which if I may add, is such a weird practice these days. I wonder if men are going to start doing the same thing for their chest hair to look as sexy as I do. What she did not have drawn in perfectly was her eyelashes. Nope, those babies were hanging right off her eyes like hair hanging off the wall in the shower. She kept trying to like stick them back on too. When my contact is falling out I take the fucking thing out. I don’t stand there playing with my eye for 30 minutes laughing like I just finished my 3rd pumpkin spice latte.
So, what do I think about making friends? I think it’s close to impossible for someone like me. I think people think I’m an asshole before they even meet me. Unfortunately, they’re right. But they don’t have to know that before they even meet me. Some people just act so uncomfortable around me. Maybe one day we’ll meet another couple friends here in Vegas who will drink with us, hike with us, or just make generally poor decisions with us. Maybe they’ll even carve a motherfucking pumpkin with us this month.