The Psychic

So, today I had someone tell me about her daughter’s visit to a psychic. She told me all about how the psychic basically laid out the next 5 years for this poor son of a bitch. I just really can’t fathom that people believe what these psychics say. I truly feel like people go to these psychics because they’re a little bit lost in life. I can understand that. But the psychic can literally say whatever they want and you just believe it. Otherwise, why would you be going? Like I said, these people can say whatever the fuck they want. They could be having a bad day and be like fuck it, let me tell this girl she needs to break up with her boyfriend before something bad happens or let me tell this dude his job is going to fire him. I’m not trying to sit here and shit on anyone’s beliefs or anything but this just sounds completely outrageous.

If we had people among us that could read minds or the future, don’t you think they might have a better job than working in some little psychic shack? If people were talking to the dead on a daily basis, tell me what the fuck happened to Amelia Earhart or what Lee Harvey Oswald was thinking when he killed JFK. Would they not work for the government? Maybe they do, what do I know? I’ve heard tons of stories about how there were huge coincidences after people went to a psychic, and all I can say is that there are definitely lots of coincidences in the world. I mean fuck, yesterday I parked my car next to someone at my job who had a Cortland Dance Team sticker on her car. I don’t believe that this was some kind of sign of some sort, I just thought wow, some other asshole, also went to Cortland and then moved her dumbass out west too.

So, I’m not saying don’t ever go to a psychic because I’m sure that no matter how stupid it is, its probably fun. But if you’re handing these people money, we should at least know that its just for entertainment, sort of like a hand job, you can pretend the person helped you out, but really you could’ve done exactly what they did all by yourself.

Millennials (Generation Y)

 So, I want to provide you “millennials” with a little bit of advice. You should be careful what you post on the internet. You shouldn’t talk to strangers. Nah, I’m just fucking with you. It’s fucking 2017 people. If you didn’t meet your significant other over the internet, then you’re just the other 50%. But you know what I’m sick of. I’m sick of people complaining about us. Yeah “US.” I was born in 1992. I’m not a fucking 90’s kid. I don’t even want to be a 90’s kid. I don’t want to wear a stupid windbreaker. I don’t want to pretend that I had a phone on a cord. No. I was given a cellphone when I was 16 and 4 years later I was provided with google in my pocket. But constantly, us millennials are shit on.

So, as millennials, we are always looked down upon. I honestly don’t know if this is new. I don’t know if this is something that every generation receives. Maybe every generation gets shit on by the previous. For the first time, I’m not here to complain. No I won’t give the satisfaction. I won’t pretend like I’m here to complain. I’m here to stick up for us. We need a voice.

Are you happy? This is the generation that you created. And by you, I mean the people who say we text too much. I mean the people who say we’re not outside enough. The people who say we’ve had too much screen time. The people who believe we are sheltered.

We’re not sheltered. Us “so-called” millennials know more than any generation born yet. We have more information at our fingertips than was ever given to any past generation. No I don’t know the dewy fucking decimal system. But I can tell how to carefully change a biological man’s voice to be perceived as a woman’s voice. I’ve crafted my skills, through careful internet research, how to do my job at its best. But here is what I hear. Let me tell you the bullshit, stereotyping, judgement that our generation bereaves. Let me destroy 4 stereotypes they place upon us. By “they,” yes, I mean “the man.” We’re going to take down the man.

One. “Millennials don’t work hard.” Don’t work hard? This is the fastest growing technical generation of all time. Don’t work hard? I went to school with people who essentially finished their first year of college before even leaving high school. They don’t work hard? They took 3 AP classes every year of high school just to please their parents, their family and their school. I finished college in three years. Where’d that get me? No where. Had to do another 2 years.

Two. “We can’t communicate.” We communicate with more people than ever before. I wouldn’t have my beautiful girlfriend without this internet that YOU created. Communication has changed. Communication is instant. Communication is now. We communicate with thousands of people every day. Some people send one tweet and it reaches thousands of people. Yeah, maybe no one is that manly man that you expect to communicate with, but trust me we know how to communicate. By sending this blog out I get at least 30 people to read it. No, I’m not trying to brag.

Three. We’re selfish. We are the “me” generation. We are non-committal. We can’t do for others what we can do for ourselves. I have a friend.  His name is Dan. Dan raised a thousand dollars for a cause. I don’t even remember the cause. But I’ll tell you what. I sent him some cash. So, did the rest of my friends. We all love being a part of something bigger. Maybe some of us want it known. Maybe some of us don’t. But that’s fine with me. I don’t care if people want to be known for donating. They made a difference. We don’t all have to be humble. That’s more bullshit than pretending we want to be modest. Try to make a difference  whether people know about it or not.

Finally, four. We still live at home. Yeah, we still live at home! Your credit destroyed any possibility that we could ever move out of our parent’s house. I feel for anyone who stayed in New York. The chances of them moving out of their parent’s house is close to impossible. I mean, I owe $79,646 to the United States government. I couldn’t afford to live on my own back in New York. Yeah, here in Vegas, I get to live with my dope roommates. But, no, where I’m from, I couldn’t even imagine it.

Overall, the point is, time is different. The people are different. The times are different. You can’t expect “us” to live how “you” did. It’s impossible now. We do our best. We’ll change the world, don’t get me wrong. But for now, let me tell you one thing. Let us make our change. Let us make the change we want.

More than you’ll ever know

Why do people use this phrase. I love you more than you’ll ever know? What the fuck does that even mean. Is the person so unintelligent that they couldn’t possibly have the same feelings for you?  For some reason when I see this on social media I just get so god damn annoyed. Just shut the fuck up and tell the person why you love them or how much you love them. Whether you love them to the moon and back or maybe only love them to gas station and back just fucking say it. Instead of saying you’ll never know how much I love you. Well who’s fucking fault is that?

The Price

I was listening to Howard Stern this morning and they were discussing the average age in America. They said that 95% of people will die between the ages of 60 and 90. Makes sense, right? But that’s a pretty wide gap. A 90 year-old gets 50% more life than the 60 year-old. So what is life really worth? Not in a weird, fucked-up, dark way, but objectively. What is time truly worth? Would you sell a couple minutes? Hours? Days? Weeks? A year? It doesn’t seem like a lot to shave off some seconds here and there. What’s an extra sixty seconds? I bet if you ask a mother what holding her child felt like for the first minute, she wouldn’t trade minutes. At least not that minute Ask any athlete about the sixty seconds after winning a championship. They aren’t going to trade those seconds. Unfortunately, it would be too easy if we could trade minutes from the past. I’d give away a couple very hungover mornings. The fact of the matter is, in my head the only way this could make sense, is if we sold future moments. Unused events, feelings and emotions. No one wants your shitty old memories. They are worth nothing. Well, except to you of course. Our memories are truly only important to us. The future experiences are what people would buy from you.

So let’s get back to the 60 year-old and 90 year-old. So a minute of a person who dies at 60 is potentially worth more than the minute of a man who dies at 90, right? That can’t be true though, a man who dies at 60 might feel differently. He might trade a lot for some of the 90 year-old’s life. The 90 year-old may think “hey I’ve lived 90 fucking years, maybe I need a couple extra minutes.” But who knows, maybe the 90 year old has a lot more to live for than we know.

Each person values age at a different “so-called” price, no matter what age. We can all say we love life the same and everyone truly appreciates every waking moment. But let’s be straight here for just a minute. I’m not saying people are of different values, but the value of life is different to everyone.

I think if someone told me if I sold a day to them, I would get free beer for a year I’d say yes. I don’t think that’s a bad trade. I’ll probably end up winning out on that. I think a day of my life is worth free beer for a year, no? Yeah I’m not really too sure. But think about it. What price do you really value a moment?


To everyone who wants a dog. Why does everybody need a dog? Do I really need to have one? What is so great about it? I really don’t get it. Why would I want something else to take care of? It’s not like I’m trying to adopt a kid or anything. You really can’t say, “well a dog is not a kid” either. I know every dog owner reading this is going to say that I do treat my dog like a kid. But why do we have to be ready to do that right now. We don’t have any time or money. Most of us are just beginning our careers or still looking for one. Am I really ready to make a 10 year long decision? I’m barely able to make a decision whether or not I really want to pay my rent this month. I don’t have time to take care of a dog, take him to the vet, the groomer, and then tons and tons of walks. If you are ready to do that, then all the power to you. I just cant even imagine having the ability to do that alone. Deuces..