This Crazy Little Thing We Call Life

The other day I got a bill in the mail from the organization I get my certifications from for work. I wasn’t expecting to get a bill because I was told to pay $286. I had already paid this sum. They charged me another $225. They made me pay $511 just to get a piece of paper that says I’m a speech pathologist. For a second, I rethought if I even wanted to be a speech pathologist anymore for that price.

I get on the phone with the organization to find out what’s going on, long story short, the lady explained to me why it was $511, I responded with “jesus fucking christ, that’s a lot of fucking money.” She had hung up before I could even say another word.

I called back to pay the fee the next day, because I really had no choice. Not enough of you people read my blog, so until I become as rich as Stephen King or as famous as Ernest Hemmingway, I’ll be a speech pathologist. I was on the phone with the girl for over 30 minutes to pay the stupid bill. She made me hang up and call the bank because she told me my debit card wasn’t working. After talking to the bank now, they tell me that my card is not having a problem. I made her give me her direct number so I could call her back with the obvious news that it was her fault. Fuck her. She was so cheery on the phone, like a cartoon fucking bunny rabbit. Ten minutes later its figured out. Problem solved.

I feel like I’m constantly jumping through hoops just to survive. College was where it all started. Just a bunch of hoops to jump through. Can you sit through History of Jazz for enough classes to pass? Can you memorize enough art pieces to get a decent grade in Art of the Western World. Will you show up at office hours to really kiss some ass, so one day someone will write you a letter of recommendation? It’s all a big joke. People will tell you its networking but its not. If anything, you have a better chance at making a friend with a professor than a mentor. I had a couple really nice professors, don’t get me wrong. But i’ve also had some who could not care less that you were struggling, even when you came to office hours.

I had one professor who I really liked. I thought he was a great guy, but apparently the rest of the staff didn’t because he got pushed out like Nixon in the Watergate Scandal.

What hoops you are willing to jump through, define what you will be able to accomplish in your life. It’s not as simple as work hard and you’ll get what you want. Sometimes you really have to do some shitty things, like sit through writing poetry, where my fellow millenials attempted to create deep and meaningful poems. I always got told that my poems didn’t have any meaning. What the fuck do you want man? I show up and I write the poems, do you need me to cry for you too, you sick fuck.

After college, people might decide to go right to work and others might decide, “let’s do some more school.” Well, if you decide the more school route, guess what you have to do again. You have to fill out tedious applications for hours, get letters of recommendation, order you transcripts, order your test scores, and go to interviews at schools far, far away. I didn’t have to worry about interviewing all that much because I only heard back from one school out of the thirteen I applied to over the course of two years. Hundreds and hundreds of dollars wasted. Well I guess not totally wasted, because I did end up going to grad school. Jump through every single one of those hoops to get into the only college where my application was free. Its a cruel world people, get used to it.

Now what I do is I just jump through each hoop, one at a fucking time. It makes each ring of fire a little less painful. Each interaction a little more tolerable and each experience a story of its own.

Hiking Etiquette

I’m going to go right ahead and say I’m a pretty active guy. As I write this, it’s about 5:30 in the morning and I’m getting ready to head to the gym. I just finished walking the dog about 3 miles. I even eat somewhat healthy…somewhat. I enjoy the occasional giant glass of wine and I’m a sucker for French Fries. Not so much a dessert guy though, although for a solid two years my friends called me “Fat Vinny.” But we’re not here to talk about my diet, or the irreversible psychological damage my friends have done to me over the years.  We’re here to talk about the new craze of hiking.

I say new because I don’t think most people were into hiking before they found out they can Instagram a selfie from the top of the mountain (guilty). Most of the hiking I have done since I’ve moved to Las Vegas has been alone. I thought it was a cool solo thing to do.

This should be rule one of hiking etiquette. Never go hiking alone. You don’t want to end up like a fucked up Liam Neeson movie. You’re not going to be able to walk on a broken leg or fight off an Arctic Wolf. You will unfortunately meet your demise rather quickly. At least least any of us Americans. A year ago in Japan, 7 year old, Yamata Tanooka, was left in bear infested woods by his parents as punishment. He survived 6 whole days until someone found him by accident. His father was quoted saying, “I really didn’t think it would come to that. I went to far.” Oh, you fucking think you went too far? I don’t know how you survived Yamata, but next time you’re at the zoo, push Daddy-o into the bear infested bear pit, see if he lasts 6 days.

So, don’t go hiking alone. You’re not as savvy as that 7 year old. A few months ago, I went hiking with a friend and I fell off about a 6 foot lip while we were coming down. It was definitely a lot scarier for me than it was for my friend. He was laughing his ass off while I was laying there moaning in pain. Overall, I was fine but if I would’ve fell off the actual drop, I’d have been shit out of luck. 

Also, I don’t care if you don’t know where you’re going, but at least know where you came from. Asking the next guy you see on the path which direction you should go is not going to be the move. One, he probably doesn’t know where he’s going either. Two, when people ask me for directions I just like to point and say, “yep, just head that way.” Just follow the trail signs and remember where you parked and you should be ok. Like I said, “should be.”

One part of the etiquette I’m not really too sure about is when you start walking the same path as another group. I’m not about to do a 3 mile hike with three weirdos who continuously talk about how they don’t normally hike and they continuously ask about the hikes you’ve been on. Shut the fuck up and enjoy the nature or whatever. We just decided to walk much faster than these people until they were no longer near us. As much as I love listening to people, I’m completely antisocial. I want little snippets of these people’s lives not a 2 hour hikes worth. 

I want to be real honest here, I fucking hate hiking. I don’t mind it once I’m at the top of that bitch. But hiking here is like hiking up a big dirt hill for hours. Nothing changes. A couple cacti here and there. No running water whatsoever, and when you get to the top guess what you see. You see the one thing you were trying to get away from to begin with. The fucking Las Vegas Strip. People always say enjoy the journey and I believe that, just not when it comes to hiking. When it comes to hiking I’m strictly a destination type of guy. 

Hurricane Who?

These storms have been crazy, am I right?!? Hurricane Harvey, Hurricane Irma, and now we have some Hurricane Jose. Tell me right now, who is picking these names. Hurricane Jose sounds like the only normal named Hurricane I’ve heard. This system of alphabetically naming hurricanes is outrageous. They’re even giving tropical storms names now. Let’s just number the storms. Hurricane 1, 2, and 3. Then we’ll know exactly where we’re at. No confusion. No names that haven’t been used since the early 50’s. How come we don’t ever name the good days? Like Sunny Day Alan, Morning Dewy, Crisp Morning Carol, or Summer Night Breeze Bob. People don’t like good days.

Everyone pretends that they love good weather, but that’s not the truth. People love catastrophe. Check your Facebook. See how many times someone wrote “be safe.”

This might be callous but it’s the truth. Natural disasters give people something more interesting to talk about than just the regular, old weather. Without these storms we only have boring weather to talk about. As a kid, I always thought it was funny that when people ran out of things to talk about, they would awkwardly say, “how’s the weather?” I thought it was just a joke. We’re so bored, we’re going to talk about something that just is what it is. But it’s not a joke. Think about every conversation you have with someone on a daily basis. You mention the weather at least 5 times a day. Can’t believe it’s raining. What a beautiful day. It’s too damn hot. It’s too damn cold. I hate the snow. Shut the fuck up already. How many times can we talk about the weather?

I’m a culprit of this as well. Every time I get out of my car, I say, “man, it’s fucking hot.” Shut up, Vin. It’s been hot since April. It hasn’t been under 95 during the day for over 4 months. Why do I keep telling myself it’s too hot? It makes me think that I must not have anything intelligent to say at all. I constantly call my parents and talk to them about the weather difference between New York and Las Vegas. It’s like I can’t just check the weather. I have to hear from them exactly how much rain is falling from the sky.

Back to the catastrophic storm that is about to barrel through the east coast. We love to get on social media and tell people to be safe. Without your “be safe” comment, might these people have gone out boating? Were they going to set up their slip and slides? Maybe they are though. If there is a time to talk about weather, this would be it.  People aren’t leaving. Some people are just “weathering” the storm, which is probably why there are plenty of videos of people traipsing through 3 feet of water in Houston. If I’m wrong please correct me. Please comment. I’m begging you. Tell me I’m wrong, somebody, please!

I’m not saying people love that people are going to get hurt. Fact is, that no one cares if anyone is going to get hurt. We just care that everyone knows we want people to “be safe,” whatever that means. We don’t want to help. We want people to know we want to help.

Maybe some people truly care. For the most part, most people just need something to talk about besides the weather. So, calamitous weather, like this, satisfies the need. Unfortunately, it seems that weather is the only thing that we all have in common. Oh, and the fact that we’re all human beings, but nobody seems to give a shit about that.

Group Chats

With the advancement of technology has come an advancement of stupidity. The more technology thinks for us, the less we have to use our brains. Honestly, the length of this blog would be far too long to even hold your interest if we discussed pros and cons of technology.

The one thing I do want to discuss is group chats. Despite being annoying, I would have to say that they have come a long way. As long as everyone has an iPhone, there’s no message downloading, freezing, or receiving several messages. So, they have been overall helpful to me. I get to keep in touch with groups of friends I don’t see anymore.

Here is the part about group chats that bother me. The people in them. There is always one person in the group chat that really likes to fuck with everything. This person doesn’t answer any questions directly. He/she never commits to a plan. If he or she does answer a question, they make a joke out of it. It’s never one person either, it’s whoever feels like being an asshole that day.

It’s annoying because then everyone dog piles. Everyone starts making jokes and nothing gets solved. The plan never gets made. Would you do this in real life? If I asked you in real life to answer a question, would you give me the same retarded answer?

The worst part about it, is that in general the person does this in order to avoid saying that they definitely don’t want any part of your plan. And hey, that’s fine, if you don’t want to come, don’t come. Don’t try to change the conversation topic so that you can avoid the question altogether. It’s the opposite of helpful.

This is the same for Facebook groups or events. You create this event, which is essentially an E-invite, otherwise known as an electronic invite. People just ignore these things. If you sent the damn thing in the mail, people fucking take the time to write on the RSVP, seal it in an envelope and mail it at the post office. This whole process takes at least 45 minutes. Clicking yes or no on the invite is too hard for people apparently. I mean fucking Facebook went as far as giving people the option to write maybe. You might come? Fuck you, you might come. Come or don’t, just nut up and tell us what you’re going to do.

Moral of the story, don’t be a little bitch. Commit or don’t commit. Don’t continuously leave people hanging. Decisions are easy to make. Whether they’re good or bad decisions, I don’t really give a shit. No decision is worse than a bad decision. A bad decision puts you in bed with someone you don’t want to be in bed with, but at least you’re in bed with someone. No decision puts you in your bed alone. So the choice is yours, choose wisely.


The Psychic

So, today I had someone tell me about her daughter’s visit to a psychic. She told me all about how the psychic basically laid out the next 5 years for this poor son of a bitch. I just really can’t fathom that people believe what these psychics say. I truly feel like people go to these psychics because they’re a little bit lost in life. I can understand that. But the psychic can literally say whatever they want and you just believe it. Otherwise, why would you be going? Like I said, these people can say whatever the fuck they want. They could be having a bad day and be like fuck it, let me tell this girl she needs to break up with her boyfriend before something bad happens or let me tell this dude his job is going to fire him. I’m not trying to sit here and shit on anyone’s beliefs or anything but this just sounds completely outrageous.

If we had people among us that could read minds or the future, don’t you think they might have a better job than working in some little psychic shack? If people were talking to the dead on a daily basis, tell me what the fuck happened to Amelia Earhart or what Lee Harvey Oswald was thinking when he killed JFK. Would they not work for the government? Maybe they do, what do I know? I’ve heard tons of stories about how there were huge coincidences after people went to a psychic, and all I can say is that there are definitely lots of coincidences in the world. I mean fuck, yesterday I parked my car next to someone at my job who had a Cortland Dance Team sticker on her car. I don’t believe that this was some kind of sign of some sort, I just thought wow, some other asshole, also went to Cortland and then moved her dumbass out west too.

So, I’m not saying don’t ever go to a psychic because I’m sure that no matter how stupid it is, its probably fun. But if you’re handing these people money, we should at least know that its just for entertainment, sort of like a hand job, you can pretend the person helped you out, but really you could’ve done exactly what they did all by yourself.

Millennials (Generation Y)

 So, I want to provide you “millennials” with a little bit of advice. You should be careful what you post on the internet. You shouldn’t talk to strangers. Nah, I’m just fucking with you. It’s fucking 2017 people. If you didn’t meet your significant other over the internet, then you’re just the other 50%. But you know what I’m sick of. I’m sick of people complaining about us. Yeah “US.” I was born in 1992. I’m not a fucking 90’s kid. I don’t even want to be a 90’s kid. I don’t want to wear a stupid windbreaker. I don’t want to pretend that I had a phone on a cord. No. I was given a cellphone when I was 16 and 4 years later I was provided with google in my pocket. But constantly, us millennials are shit on.

So, as millennials, we are always looked down upon. I honestly don’t know if this is new. I don’t know if this is something that every generation receives. Maybe every generation gets shit on by the previous. For the first time, I’m not here to complain. No I won’t give the satisfaction. I won’t pretend like I’m here to complain. I’m here to stick up for us. We need a voice.

Are you happy? This is the generation that you created. And by you, I mean the people who say we text too much. I mean the people who say we’re not outside enough. The people who say we’ve had too much screen time. The people who believe we are sheltered.

We’re not sheltered. Us “so-called” millennials know more than any generation born yet. We have more information at our fingertips than was ever given to any past generation. No I don’t know the dewy fucking decimal system. But I can tell how to carefully change a biological man’s voice to be perceived as a woman’s voice. I’ve crafted my skills, through careful internet research, how to do my job at its best. But here is what I hear. Let me tell you the bullshit, stereotyping, judgement that our generation bereaves. Let me destroy 4 stereotypes they place upon us. By “they,” yes, I mean “the man.” We’re going to take down the man.

One. “Millennials don’t work hard.” Don’t work hard? This is the fastest growing technical generation of all time. Don’t work hard? I went to school with people who essentially finished their first year of college before even leaving high school. They don’t work hard? They took 3 AP classes every year of high school just to please their parents, their family and their school. I finished college in three years. Where’d that get me? No where. Had to do another 2 years.

Two. “We can’t communicate.” We communicate with more people than ever before. I wouldn’t have my beautiful girlfriend without this internet that YOU created. Communication has changed. Communication is instant. Communication is now. We communicate with thousands of people every day. Some people send one tweet and it reaches thousands of people. Yeah, maybe no one is that manly man that you expect to communicate with, but trust me we know how to communicate. By sending this blog out I get at least 30 people to read it. No, I’m not trying to brag.

Three. We’re selfish. We are the “me” generation. We are non-committal. We can’t do for others what we can do for ourselves. I have a friend.  His name is Dan. Dan raised a thousand dollars for a cause. I don’t even remember the cause. But I’ll tell you what. I sent him some cash. So, did the rest of my friends. We all love being a part of something bigger. Maybe some of us want it known. Maybe some of us don’t. But that’s fine with me. I don’t care if people want to be known for donating. They made a difference. We don’t all have to be humble. That’s more bullshit than pretending we want to be modest. Try to make a difference  whether people know about it or not.

Finally, four. We still live at home. Yeah, we still live at home! Your credit destroyed any possibility that we could ever move out of our parent’s house. I feel for anyone who stayed in New York. The chances of them moving out of their parent’s house is close to impossible. I mean, I owe $79,646 to the United States government. I couldn’t afford to live on my own back in New York. Yeah, here in Vegas, I get to live with my dope roommates. But, no, where I’m from, I couldn’t even imagine it.

Overall, the point is, time is different. The people are different. The times are different. You can’t expect “us” to live how “you” did. It’s impossible now. We do our best. We’ll change the world, don’t get me wrong. But for now, let me tell you one thing. Let us make our change. Let us make the change we want.

More than you’ll ever know

Why do people use this phrase. I love you more than you’ll ever know? What the fuck does that even mean. Is the person so unintelligent that they couldn’t possibly have the same feelings for you?  For some reason when I see this on social media I just get so god damn annoyed. Just shut the fuck up and tell the person why you love them or how much you love them. Whether you love them to the moon and back or maybe only love them to gas station and back just fucking say it. Instead of saying you’ll never know how much I love you. Well who’s fucking fault is that?