It’s the Most Basic Time of The Year

It’s that time of year again. Every basic bitch has a pumpkin spice latte, a punny caption featuring the season, and a picture with a pumpkin they obviously carved with a stencil and yet so slyly leave that detail out. People start busting out there terrible scary movies and cuddling up to shit themselves and cover their eyes for an hour and 45 minutes. The ridiculous desserts and Autumn based foods make there way to the forefront. People stock their homes with gourds (who knows what the purpose of these disgusting growths actually are), nuts, leaves, and pinecones. Fall is a beloved season for most. Out here in the wild west, there really is no such thing as fall being that there are no leaves to even change color. Don’t get me wrong, I love a sugared up pumpkin flavored latte just like the rest of you shmucks. I’m even a sucker for some fall desserts. I’m as basic as they come. One thing, that I will never understand is the scary movies.

I’ll never forget the first scary movie I had ever seen. Of course it was the exorcist. Naturally, I’m scarred for life. Now when I say I watched this movie, what I mean is that I saw three seconds of it. I was at my friend Chris’s house for a sleepover in the 6th grade. It was me, him, and our friend Will. I was playing PlayStation while they were watching the movie. I wasn’t even watching, but I could obviously hear it. I looked over for three seconds at the scene where that little bitch pisses herself in front of all those people and I lost it. I had to go home in the middle of the night from a sleepover. I don’t think I cried, but I might as well have at that point. After that movie, I never really understood why people liked scary movies.

I still, to this day, do not like scary movies. I hate them. I’m still afraid to go to the bathroom in the dark after seeing the Amityville Horror House. I don’t like showering at night when no one else is home, and I’m literally afraid of the dark. Who isn’t afraid of the dark? You literally can’t see anything. You don’t know if that little Chuckie fucker is standing there waiting to stab you in the stomach.

The worst type of scary movie is the type with the scary little girls. I don’t know what it is about a screwed up looking 11 year old girl, but that shit is without a doubt the scariest. The Exorcist, The Ring, The Shining, etc. I can’t even stand to think about them.

The most recent scary movie I saw was It, with my girlfriend. This was the first scary movie we had seen together. Probably the first scary movie I have seen in a movie theater since high school. Prior to leaving, I yelled back to Marisa, grab my hat, my head gets cold in movie theaters. Obviously, I was just going to use my hat to shield my eyes from this terrifying demon shit. The movie wasn’t as creepy as other scary movies that ruined nights of sleep for me, but I still spent about 75% of the movie covering, or getting ready to cover, my eyes. After the movie, Marisa called me out on the whole hat thing. Which she undoubtedly knew about the second I asked for my hat. I got my scary movie fix for the year now. I don’t think I need to do another one.

Honestly, you can keep your Fall bullshit. Keep your pumpkin flavored everything, keep your apple cider donuts, keep your fall flavored candles and keep your scary movies. If I can’t go the season without getting coerced to see a scary movie than you can even keep my birthday. I’ll wait for Christmas. I’ll wait for Christmas movies, Christmas music, and halls decked with motherfreakin holly before I ever get dragged back in to the theaters to see another scary movie. Keep your thanksgiving turkey, I’ll take Christmas Lasagna. Screw your pumpkins, I’ll wait for cheesecakes and presents under the tree. I’ll take a warm fire over a pumpkin patch that smells like cow shit. I’ll take snow over rain. And I will sure as hell take Chevy Chase, Kevin McCallister ,and Buddy the Elf over Freddy Krueger, Michael Myers, and those freaky little bitches in The Shining.

Office Etiquette

If you have ever worked in an office, no matter how big or small, you know there are  unwritten rules that you should observe. If you have just began working in an office, then please listen very carefully for the safety of your coworkers. These following rules can make or break your career.

  1. Saying Hello: There is 1, maybe 2 times, when this word should come out of your mouth. That time is in the morning. Saying hello several times to people is not necessary in an office environment where you may run into the same person 20 times. One hello in the morning will suffice, and maybe one in the afternoon if someone is returning from lunch. But otherwise, use your ‘hellos’ sparsely.
  2. Personal Belongings: It has come to my attention, that in an office environment, people take whatever they want without asking. If it is in my office, don’t fucking touch it, unless I tell you too. Leave my phone charger right where it is. In general it doesn’t seem like people will steal an entire lunch anymore, but people feel that snacks are fair game. Just because I left it in the kitchen, doesn’t make it yours. Leave my Cheetos alone.
  3. Clothing: Take off the fucking hat you big jerk. Hats are made for outside. They are to protect your stupid head from getting any more damage than is clearly already done. Do not wear a hat in an office. Also, if you’re a man or a woman, do not show your toes. Unless you are a life guard, you should have your disgusting toe cheese in a shoe of some sort. Nobody wants to look at your toes all day. Nobody wants to smell your toes all day.
  4. Birthdays: Everything Elaine Benis has ever said about birthdays is 100% correct. There should be one day of the year where you celebrate everyone’s birthday, this way there isn’t a cake every other week or month. Also, if you work in a small office, you probably struggle with whether or not you should get someone a birthday present. One of the secretaries asked me what I was getting the other secretary for her birthday. I had no idea because we had never done that before. Then I thought, “I better get her something because my birthday is the day after hers and if she gets me something I’ll look like a jerk.” So, I just picked her up some flowers. I came in to work and gave them to her. Ten minutes later she handed me 14 bucks cash. In the words of Elaine again, “Cash!?!?!” Yes, it was 14 bucks cash. I obviously couldn’t try to give it back, even though obviously I was the one who made her feel bad by getting flowers. Should’ve just stuck to my guns and got nothing. Learned my lesson though. Never getting anyone a gift now. Especially, because the flowers were only $5.
  5. Religion and Politics: Just please, please, keep it to yourself. It may seem like everyone has the same beliefs as you, but that may be false. Actually, it’s probably false. Remember that you might have to work with these people for years. Wars have been started over religion and politics. It doesn’t do an office environment well. It pressures people and makes people uncomfortable. Believe whatever you want, just talk about it the other 128 hours a week that you aren’t at work.
  6. Your Baggage: Just like when you start dating a new person you should dump your baggage, when you go to work you should leave your baggage home. The office is a place of business. Some people just want to do their jobs and go home. The office isn’t your therapy center nor am I you therapist. We all listen because we don’t want to do something rude, like walk away, and then have to continue working with you. I hate crying. It makes me extremely uncomfortable. So, if you do start crying I will probably just walk away. I have done it before and I will do it again. I’m not saying I want to walk into the office and do as little as possible and leave. I’m saying SOME people show up to work and work very hard. They care about their job very much. They want to come to work and do their job because they care about it. Something they don’t care about, is you and your feelings.
  7. The Kitchen: The kitchen should not look like your kitchen at home. It should not be a fucking disaster of unwashed, crusty, dishes. Clean up after yourself. That doesn’t mean just fill your bowl with water and leave it there. It certainly doesn’t mean that you can make oatmeal and leave the dirty dish in the sink with water because it’s “soaking.” Wash the goddamn bowl and scrub it hard if you have to. If you don’t have a kitchen sink, definitely don’t leave a dirty dish in the bathroom near or in the sink. People shit in the bathroom all day long. That means that the food bowl, whether it belong to the office or you, is sitting there getting covered in feces dust.
  8. Leaving the Office: Here’s one that I’m guilty of and maybe a lot of other people who are new to the workforce are guilty of. People probably don’t care about your job. Unless you’re an astronaut, people don’t want to hear about it. Whether you’re a teacher, a stock broker, or even the president. Nobody cares what you do. Just do your job right so the world keeps spinning. I’m trying to work on not talking about work once I leave work. Nobody cares about your job because nobody is familiar with what you do. Even if they are, they probably don’t want to hear you complain about teaching 27 little brats went or how many solar panels you put up today. Unless you meet someone who does the same thing as you, keep the work talk to a minimum. There are plenty of other things you could be talking about.
  9. After Work Events: I get that it’s important that after work events are important for team building and camaraderie. It’s good to socialize with the people you work with so that the work environment is more comfortable. The line has to be drawn somewhere though. Like I’ll go to happy hour with you, but I don’t want to go out dancing with you. I’ll have a pot luck with you, but I don’t want to do coke off of a strippers ass with you. I’ll go to the bowling alley with you, but I won’t go on a 3 -day vacation with you to a Shakespeare Festival. Yes, I was asked to go to a Shakespeare Festival. Despite not wanting to go because most plays I have seen I haven’t liked  and because, well, it’s a Shakespeare Festival, I was going to bite the bullet and go. Luckily it fell through and it seemed like people stopped talking about it. So, keep the work events within a few miles of the job and don’t push it.
  10. Shittin’ on the Job: First off, keep it to yourself. Don’t inform the office about what you are going to do. Second, I don’t know how people go in public places. On one hand, I want to hover, but on the other hand I want to be comfortable. I also don’t want to waste my time making a toilet paper toilet cover. I just want to go in peace. My ultimate goal in life would be to have a private bathroom. That’s all a someone can ask for. I know with my career path that it’s very unlikely. But who knows.  Maybe I’ll get lucky and find an unused hidden bathroom somewhere. That would be equally as good as a private bathroom if not better. Only I would know about it, and every time I went, I would have to be stealthy, so as not to invite others to bask in my discovery.

So, there you have it. Here are just some rules of the trade for those of you just joining the workforce. If you’ve been part of the workforce and you’re failing to abide by these, please take a look at yourself. Either you’re doing it on purpose to be spiteful, or you really need to think about your behavior. Either way, get with the program. People don’t have time for your nonsense. Should we be following any other rules in the workplace? Probably tons more, I think ten is a good start, so if you think of any others please share.

This Crazy Little Thing We Call Life

The other day I got a bill in the mail from the organization I get my certifications from for work. I wasn’t expecting to get a bill because I was told to pay $286. I had already paid this sum. They charged me another $225. They made me pay $511 just to get a piece of paper that says I’m a speech pathologist. For a second, I rethought if I even wanted to be a speech pathologist anymore for that price.

I get on the phone with the organization to find out what’s going on, long story short, the lady explained to me why it was $511, I responded with “jesus fucking christ, that’s a lot of fucking money.” She had hung up before I could even say another word.

I called back to pay the fee the next day, because I really had no choice. Not enough of you people read my blog, so until I become as rich as Stephen King or as famous as Ernest Hemmingway, I’ll be a speech pathologist. I was on the phone with the girl for over 30 minutes to pay the stupid bill. She made me hang up and call the bank because she told me my debit card wasn’t working. After talking to the bank now, they tell me that my card is not having a problem. I made her give me her direct number so I could call her back with the obvious news that it was her fault. Fuck her. She was so cheery on the phone, like a cartoon fucking bunny rabbit. Ten minutes later its figured out. Problem solved.

I feel like I’m constantly jumping through hoops just to survive. College was where it all started. Just a bunch of hoops to jump through. Can you sit through History of Jazz for enough classes to pass? Can you memorize enough art pieces to get a decent grade in Art of the Western World. Will you show up at office hours to really kiss some ass, so one day someone will write you a letter of recommendation? It’s all a big joke. People will tell you its networking but its not. If anything, you have a better chance at making a friend with a professor than a mentor. I had a couple really nice professors, don’t get me wrong. But i’ve also had some who could not care less that you were struggling, even when you came to office hours.

I had one professor who I really liked. I thought he was a great guy, but apparently the rest of the staff didn’t because he got pushed out like Nixon in the Watergate Scandal.

What hoops you are willing to jump through, define what you will be able to accomplish in your life. It’s not as simple as work hard and you’ll get what you want. Sometimes you really have to do some shitty things, like sit through writing poetry, where my fellow millenials attempted to create deep and meaningful poems. I always got told that my poems didn’t have any meaning. What the fuck do you want man? I show up and I write the poems, do you need me to cry for you too, you sick fuck.

After college, people might decide to go right to work and others might decide, “let’s do some more school.” Well, if you decide the more school route, guess what you have to do again. You have to fill out tedious applications for hours, get letters of recommendation, order you transcripts, order your test scores, and go to interviews at schools far, far away. I didn’t have to worry about interviewing all that much because I only heard back from one school out of the thirteen I applied to over the course of two years. Hundreds and hundreds of dollars wasted. Well I guess not totally wasted, because I did end up going to grad school. Jump through every single one of those hoops to get into the only college where my application was free. Its a cruel world people, get used to it.

Now what I do is I just jump through each hoop, one at a fucking time. It makes each ring of fire a little less painful. Each interaction a little more tolerable and each experience a story of its own.

Hiking Etiquette

I’m going to go right ahead and say I’m a pretty active guy. As I write this, it’s about 5:30 in the morning and I’m getting ready to head to the gym. I just finished walking the dog about 3 miles. I even eat somewhat healthy…somewhat. I enjoy the occasional giant glass of wine and I’m a sucker for French Fries. Not so much a dessert guy though, although for a solid two years my friends called me “Fat Vinny.” But we’re not here to talk about my diet, or the irreversible psychological damage my friends have done to me over the years.  We’re here to talk about the new craze of hiking.

I say new because I don’t think most people were into hiking before they found out they can Instagram a selfie from the top of the mountain (guilty). Most of the hiking I have done since I’ve moved to Las Vegas has been alone. I thought it was a cool solo thing to do.

This should be rule one of hiking etiquette. Never go hiking alone. You don’t want to end up like a fucked up Liam Neeson movie. You’re not going to be able to walk on a broken leg or fight off an Arctic Wolf. You will unfortunately meet your demise rather quickly. At least least any of us Americans. A year ago in Japan, 7 year old, Yamata Tanooka, was left in bear infested woods by his parents as punishment. He survived 6 whole days until someone found him by accident. His father was quoted saying, “I really didn’t think it would come to that. I went to far.” Oh, you fucking think you went too far? I don’t know how you survived Yamata, but next time you’re at the zoo, push Daddy-o into the bear infested bear pit, see if he lasts 6 days.

So, don’t go hiking alone. You’re not as savvy as that 7 year old. A few months ago, I went hiking with a friend and I fell off about a 6 foot lip while we were coming down. It was definitely a lot scarier for me than it was for my friend. He was laughing his ass off while I was laying there moaning in pain. Overall, I was fine but if I would’ve fell off the actual drop, I’d have been shit out of luck. 

Also, I don’t care if you don’t know where you’re going, but at least know where you came from. Asking the next guy you see on the path which direction you should go is not going to be the move. One, he probably doesn’t know where he’s going either. Two, when people ask me for directions I just like to point and say, “yep, just head that way.” Just follow the trail signs and remember where you parked and you should be ok. Like I said, “should be.”

One part of the etiquette I’m not really too sure about is when you start walking the same path as another group. I’m not about to do a 3 mile hike with three weirdos who continuously talk about how they don’t normally hike and they continuously ask about the hikes you’ve been on. Shut the fuck up and enjoy the nature or whatever. We just decided to walk much faster than these people until they were no longer near us. As much as I love listening to people, I’m completely antisocial. I want little snippets of these people’s lives not a 2 hour hikes worth. 

I want to be real honest here, I fucking hate hiking. I don’t mind it once I’m at the top of that bitch. But hiking here is like hiking up a big dirt hill for hours. Nothing changes. A couple cacti here and there. No running water whatsoever, and when you get to the top guess what you see. You see the one thing you were trying to get away from to begin with. The fucking Las Vegas Strip. People always say enjoy the journey and I believe that, just not when it comes to hiking. When it comes to hiking I’m strictly a destination type of guy. 

Hurricane Who?

These storms have been crazy, am I right?!? Hurricane Harvey, Hurricane Irma, and now we have some Hurricane Jose. Tell me right now, who is picking these names. Hurricane Jose sounds like the only normal named Hurricane I’ve heard. This system of alphabetically naming hurricanes is outrageous. They’re even giving tropical storms names now. Let’s just number the storms. Hurricane 1, 2, and 3. Then we’ll know exactly where we’re at. No confusion. No names that haven’t been used since the early 50’s. How come we don’t ever name the good days? Like Sunny Day Alan, Morning Dewy, Crisp Morning Carol, or Summer Night Breeze Bob. People don’t like good days.

Everyone pretends that they love good weather, but that’s not the truth. People love catastrophe. Check your Facebook. See how many times someone wrote “be safe.”

This might be callous but it’s the truth. Natural disasters give people something more interesting to talk about than just the regular, old weather. Without these storms we only have boring weather to talk about. As a kid, I always thought it was funny that when people ran out of things to talk about, they would awkwardly say, “how’s the weather?” I thought it was just a joke. We’re so bored, we’re going to talk about something that just is what it is. But it’s not a joke. Think about every conversation you have with someone on a daily basis. You mention the weather at least 5 times a day. Can’t believe it’s raining. What a beautiful day. It’s too damn hot. It’s too damn cold. I hate the snow. Shut the fuck up already. How many times can we talk about the weather?

I’m a culprit of this as well. Every time I get out of my car, I say, “man, it’s fucking hot.” Shut up, Vin. It’s been hot since April. It hasn’t been under 95 during the day for over 4 months. Why do I keep telling myself it’s too hot? It makes me think that I must not have anything intelligent to say at all. I constantly call my parents and talk to them about the weather difference between New York and Las Vegas. It’s like I can’t just check the weather. I have to hear from them exactly how much rain is falling from the sky.

Back to the catastrophic storm that is about to barrel through the east coast. We love to get on social media and tell people to be safe. Without your “be safe” comment, might these people have gone out boating? Were they going to set up their slip and slides? Maybe they are though. If there is a time to talk about weather, this would be it.  People aren’t leaving. Some people are just “weathering” the storm, which is probably why there are plenty of videos of people traipsing through 3 feet of water in Houston. If I’m wrong please correct me. Please comment. I’m begging you. Tell me I’m wrong, somebody, please!

I’m not saying people love that people are going to get hurt. Fact is, that no one cares if anyone is going to get hurt. We just care that everyone knows we want people to “be safe,” whatever that means. We don’t want to help. We want people to know we want to help.

Maybe some people truly care. For the most part, most people just need something to talk about besides the weather. So, calamitous weather, like this, satisfies the need. Unfortunately, it seems that weather is the only thing that we all have in common. Oh, and the fact that we’re all human beings, but nobody seems to give a shit about that.

Group Chats

With the advancement of technology has come an advancement of stupidity. The more technology thinks for us, the less we have to use our brains. Honestly, the length of this blog would be far too long to even hold your interest if we discussed pros and cons of technology.

The one thing I do want to discuss is group chats. Despite being annoying, I would have to say that they have come a long way. As long as everyone has an iPhone, there’s no message downloading, freezing, or receiving several messages. So, they have been overall helpful to me. I get to keep in touch with groups of friends I don’t see anymore.

Here is the part about group chats that bother me. The people in them. There is always one person in the group chat that really likes to fuck with everything. This person doesn’t answer any questions directly. He/she never commits to a plan. If he or she does answer a question, they make a joke out of it. It’s never one person either, it’s whoever feels like being an asshole that day.

It’s annoying because then everyone dog piles. Everyone starts making jokes and nothing gets solved. The plan never gets made. Would you do this in real life? If I asked you in real life to answer a question, would you give me the same retarded answer?

The worst part about it, is that in general the person does this in order to avoid saying that they definitely don’t want any part of your plan. And hey, that’s fine, if you don’t want to come, don’t come. Don’t try to change the conversation topic so that you can avoid the question altogether. It’s the opposite of helpful.

This is the same for Facebook groups or events. You create this event, which is essentially an E-invite, otherwise known as an electronic invite. People just ignore these things. If you sent the damn thing in the mail, people fucking take the time to write on the RSVP, seal it in an envelope and mail it at the post office. This whole process takes at least 45 minutes. Clicking yes or no on the invite is too hard for people apparently. I mean fucking Facebook went as far as giving people the option to write maybe. You might come? Fuck you, you might come. Come or don’t, just nut up and tell us what you’re going to do.

Moral of the story, don’t be a little bitch. Commit or don’t commit. Don’t continuously leave people hanging. Decisions are easy to make. Whether they’re good or bad decisions, I don’t really give a shit. No decision is worse than a bad decision. A bad decision puts you in bed with someone you don’t want to be in bed with, but at least you’re in bed with someone. No decision puts you in your bed alone. So the choice is yours, choose wisely.

 

The Psychic

So, today I had someone tell me about her daughter’s visit to a psychic. She told me all about how the psychic basically laid out the next 5 years for this poor son of a bitch. I just really can’t fathom that people believe what these psychics say. I truly feel like people go to these psychics because they’re a little bit lost in life. I can understand that. But the psychic can literally say whatever they want and you just believe it. Otherwise, why would you be going? Like I said, these people can say whatever the fuck they want. They could be having a bad day and be like fuck it, let me tell this girl she needs to break up with her boyfriend before something bad happens or let me tell this dude his job is going to fire him. I’m not trying to sit here and shit on anyone’s beliefs or anything but this just sounds completely outrageous.

If we had people among us that could read minds or the future, don’t you think they might have a better job than working in some little psychic shack? If people were talking to the dead on a daily basis, tell me what the fuck happened to Amelia Earhart or what Lee Harvey Oswald was thinking when he killed JFK. Would they not work for the government? Maybe they do, what do I know? I’ve heard tons of stories about how there were huge coincidences after people went to a psychic, and all I can say is that there are definitely lots of coincidences in the world. I mean fuck, yesterday I parked my car next to someone at my job who had a Cortland Dance Team sticker on her car. I don’t believe that this was some kind of sign of some sort, I just thought wow, some other asshole, also went to Cortland and then moved her dumbass out west too.

So, I’m not saying don’t ever go to a psychic because I’m sure that no matter how stupid it is, its probably fun. But if you’re handing these people money, we should at least know that its just for entertainment, sort of like a hand job, you can pretend the person helped you out, but really you could’ve done exactly what they did all by yourself.