The New Year is coming soon. Every year goes faster and faster. It’s 2018 which means I have been out of high school for eight years. Eight damn years. I want to say it feels like yesterday but it really doesn’t anymore. College might feel like yesterday. Grad school definitely feels like yesterday. But high school feels like an eternity ago now. I honestly thought I would always remember all of my teachers. I really can only remember a couple of my teachers who really had an impact on me.
You know the ones I’m talking about. It might have been the one who always made you laugh. I remember the ones who were just real with you and treated you like an adult. Then there was the one’s who really taught you something. Made sure you could do multiplication, long division, chemistry, calculus even. So in honor of these teachers impacting all of our lives I decided to ask some teachers for some stories. Honestly, I couldn’t be happier with the outcome. I also urge teachers who may be reading this right now to please send me some stories so I can keep this teacher appreciation week going. The following stories will be kept anonymous to protect the children and, of course, our fellow teachers.
In the education system, students are considered especially ridiculous. In America, the dedicated teachers who choose to teach these sadistic creatures are members of an elite squad known as the Special Teachers Unit. These are their stories… BONG BONG!!
“I met John when I was teaching middle school, so he was about 10 years old. Now, John was a nice kid. He was actively seeking ways to make his teachers feel appreciated and unfortunately other kids weren’t a fan of him for that. He also had no filter. I mean, literally no filter at all. Whatever was on his mind, was said to the entire class and it’s important to know that he didn’t do it to be funny. He just had to have been missing that little voice in his head that said, “Should I say this? Should I not?” The answer was always, “You should say it, and you should say it loudly.” That being said, we were in the middle of learning about god knows what, and all of the sudden John starts pointing to the crotch of his pants. Out of the corner of my eye, I see that someone MUST be camping in his pants because there is a tent pitched. He then proceeds to yell out, “My penis really hurts. What’s happening?” Another student shouted back, “That’s called a boner John.” All the girls in the class were looking at me like, “WTF IS HAPPENING?”, and I did everything I possibly could to keep a straight face, which is truly a difficult yet imperative skill to master when teaching middle school. The lesson I was teaching died right in that moment. John went to the bathroom, and everyone just put their heads down for the rest of the period.”
“Next up is Richard. Richard couldn’t read. Really and truly, he was 13 years old and was reading at about a first grade level. That being said, he was not dumb at all. He instead used his brain for pranks, and as someone who was actively pranked by him, I have to say that they were well-thought out. His best prank of all time happened during second period ELA. I began teaching my lesson and all of the sudden I heard, “Beep, beep, beep. Beep, beep, beep.” The timer was going off. It was the one that I always kept on my desk, and the weird thing was that I didn’t remember setting it. I turned it off, and continued teaching. 2 minutes passed. Again I heard, “Beep, beep, beep. Beep, beep, beep.” I looked at my timer, and it wasn’t the one going off. I walked around the room and saw a timer sitting on my co-teacher’s desk. I turned it off, thought “That’s so weird,” and continued teaching. Two minutes passed. Again I hear, “Beep, beep, beep. Beep, beep, beep.” This was the moment I realized that something was up. I had this internal struggle of, “Do I stop the lesson and tell the kids I need someone to confess and stop with the timers, or do I keep teaching and act like it isn’t bothering me even though it’s literally pissing me the fuck off?” I decided to play their game and keep teaching, while turning off the timers. I acted like it was the best day ever, and I was in a great fucking mood. NINE MORE TIMERS WENT OFF. EACH WITHIN TWO MINUTES OF THE NEXT. NINE FUCKING TIMERS. THAT’S FIFTY-FOUR FUCKING BEEPS. Finally, the tenth one went off. I could not find it. I looked everywhere. The beeps were taunting me and I thought to myself, “You got this. You’re ruining their prank by not letting it get to you. There can’t be many more timers.” I got closer to the beeping sound, and finally realized it was at the bottom of the garbage can covered in cereal and milk from that mornings breakfast. Richard let out the sneakiest cackle to reveal that he was the mastermind behind it all. I reached in, let it drip, and placed it on his desk. We finished the lesson that day. He then later revealed that he stole all the timers from the classrooms in our hallway, calculated the time it would be for them to go off during my class, entered the time into the timers, started them, and hid them all during breakfast. And for that, Richard is a god-damn genius.”
“The school I worked at was by no means perfect. We did the best with what we could. It was a serious struggle. However, those struggles made great, albeit slightly disturbing, stories. For example, me and my team were very close. Friends inside and outside of school. My “next door neighbor” called my room and told me to come to her classroom immediately. I ran over and she had something in her hand. She seemed very calm so I assumed whatever was in her hand was nothing terrible. I thought this until she said, “I’m holding poop right now.” I had no words. My first thought was, “why the hell is it still in your hand.” Turns out, one of her students went to the bathroom, took a shit into a paper towel and brought it back to class. No one saw, no one noticed until everyone was on the carpet for a lesson. A student said “Why does it smell like poop??” To which the student who DID IT freaked out that he found shit on the carpet. Turns out, this student brought the shit back and left it on the carpet then pretended someone else did it. Jokes on him, we have cameras. Although I guess jokes on us because we were the ones to deal with it…”
Between boners, elaborate pranks, and bringing souvenirs back from the bathroom, it’s clear that shit these people with more than earns them the right to have the summer off. Teachers have one of the most difficult and rewarding jobs out there. My friend put it like this, “teaching can be beautiful and rewarding when a kid learns to read, or solves a math problem that you know has been really difficult for him or her in the past. It can also be really frustrating when they don’t listen, or you feel like you aren’t making a difference. But mostly, it’s fucking hilarious and you think to yourself, “I can’t wait to tell [insert friend/significant other’s name here] about what happened today.”
So, stay tuned until tomorrow afternoon for more stories from our fellow teachers. And please by all means, send me a story or two via Facebook or right to firstname.lastname@example.org. All stories will be kept anonymous of course.