Teacher Appreciation Week: Day 2

I would like to thank the teachers who took the time to provide these stories. I would like to thank the children for being perpetually naïve. I would like to thank the parents who create these monsters. Most of all I would like thank the internet for teaching these offspring everything they need to know 10 years in advance. If you’d like to share a story, please do, because with North Korea popping off and every known celebrity committing sex crimes, I think we could all use a good laugh. So, here we go again.

“Every once in a while we get observed by our supervisors while doing our jobs. While playing Pictionary with the kids, I asked the most innocent girl ever to draw a picture of a nose. Here is what she drew. In front of my supervisor.”image1

“Kaitlin hated everything about school, and made it her mission to never, ever, ever apply her brain. Instead, she preferred to sing songs like, “Somebody come get her, she dancin’ like a stripper,” and she often walked into class, twerked, and then sat down in her seat. Eventually, I developed a good relationship with her mother and would tell her all the shit her daughter did. She was one of those parents we teachers are grateful for because she had my back and understood that her child wasn’t perfect. She ended up putting Kaitlin in a school that specialized in behavioral needs, and we lost touch. Months later, I was TRASHED and on my way to a Taylor Swift concert on a Saturday night. That night Kaitlin’s mom ended up being my Uber Driver. Oops. Sorry you had to see me like that……and I’m also sorry that you facetimed your daughter and allowed me to have a conversation with her in that state of being.”

“Next we are going to focus on Paul. I was doing a run through in a classroom library, when all of the sudden I picked up a book about trucks and noticed some writing inside. Defacing classroom supplies really grinds my gears, but normally I just erase it and move on. When I went to erase it, I noticed that there was a speech bubble coming from the truck. The speech bubble said, “Suck my dick, bitch.-Paul”  I thought maybe he got framed, so I went to him and asked, “Did you write this?” He replied no, but as I continued to press the matter, he eventually admitted that he did do it. I asked him, “Why did you sign your name when you’re writing such bad things in our books?” He replied, “If I didn’t write my name, how would everyone know I am a badass? I never thought you would this book up and read it.” Needless to say, on the list of things that I never saw myself saying to a parent, “Your 7 year old son wrote suck my dick bitch in our classroom book,” was at the very top.”

“Finally we have, Ethan. Ethan’s story is short, and definitely not sweet. He was a curious 13 year old, and when you mix a curious 13 year old with a school computer, you get some really concerning google searches. They include, but are not limited to, “Threesome with different color people,” “Really big dicks,” “gigantic titties,” “two girlz one cup,” “blue waffles,” and “3D penis.” I guess a 2D penis wasn’t enough for him.”

Really big dicks and giant titties. Welp, I just googled the same things and the results could really throw a child off the mark on what life as an adult is really like. And Paul, you are a God Damn Bad-Ass and don’t let anyone tell you any different.

Teacher Appreciation Week

The New Year is coming soon. Every year goes faster and faster. It’s 2018 which means I have been out of high school for eight years. Eight damn years. I want to say it feels like yesterday but it really doesn’t anymore. College might feel like yesterday. Grad school definitely feels like yesterday. But high school feels like an eternity ago now. I honestly thought I would always remember all of my teachers. I really can only remember a couple of my teachers who really had an impact on me.

You know the ones I’m talking about. It might have been the one who always made you laugh. I remember the ones who were just real with you and treated you like an adult. Then there was the one’s who really taught you something. Made sure you could do multiplication, long division, chemistry, calculus even. So in honor of these teachers impacting all of our lives I decided to ask some teachers for some stories. Honestly, I couldn’t be happier with the outcome. I also urge teachers who may be reading this right now to please send me some stories so I can keep this teacher appreciation week going. The following stories will be kept anonymous to protect the children and, of course, our fellow teachers.

In the education system, students are considered especially ridiculous. In America, the dedicated teachers who choose to teach these sadistic creatures are members of an elite squad known as the Special Teachers Unit. These are their stories… BONG BONG!!

“I met John when I was teaching middle school, so he was about 10 years old. Now, John was a nice kid. He was actively seeking ways to make his teachers feel appreciated and unfortunately other kids weren’t a fan of him for that. He also had no filter. I mean, literally no filter at all. Whatever was on his mind, was said to the entire class and it’s important to know that he didn’t do it to be funny. He just had to have been missing that little voice in his head that said, “Should I say this? Should I not?” The answer was always, “You should say it, and you should say it loudly.” That being said, we were in the middle of learning about god knows what, and all of the sudden John starts pointing to the crotch of his pants. Out of the corner of my eye, I see that someone MUST be camping in his pants because there is a tent pitched. He then proceeds to yell out, “My penis really hurts. What’s happening?” Another student shouted back, “That’s called a boner John.” All the girls in the class were looking at me like, “WTF IS HAPPENING?”, and I did everything I possibly could to keep a straight face, which is truly a difficult yet imperative skill to master when teaching middle school.  The lesson I was teaching died right in that moment. John went to the bathroom, and everyone just put their heads down for the rest of the period.”

“Next up is Richard. Richard couldn’t read. Really and truly, he was 13 years old and was reading at about a first grade level. That being said, he was not dumb at all. He instead used his brain for pranks, and as someone who was actively pranked by him, I have to say that they were well-thought out. His best prank of all time happened during second period ELA. I began teaching my lesson and all of the sudden I heard, “Beep, beep, beep. Beep, beep, beep.”  The timer was going off. It was the one that I always kept on my desk, and the weird thing was that I didn’t remember setting it. I turned it off, and continued teaching. 2 minutes passed. Again I heard, “Beep, beep, beep. Beep, beep, beep.” I looked at my timer, and it wasn’t the one going off. I walked around the room and saw a timer sitting on my co-teacher’s desk. I turned it off, thought “That’s so weird,” and continued teaching. Two minutes passed. Again I hear, “Beep, beep, beep. Beep, beep, beep.” This was the moment I realized that something was up. I had this internal struggle of, “Do I stop the lesson and tell the kids I need someone to confess and stop with the timers, or do I keep teaching and act like it isn’t bothering me even though it’s literally pissing me the fuck off?” I decided to play their game and keep teaching, while turning off the timers. I acted like it was the best day ever, and I was in a great fucking mood. NINE MORE TIMERS WENT OFF. EACH WITHIN TWO MINUTES OF THE NEXT. NINE FUCKING TIMERS. THAT’S FIFTY-FOUR FUCKING BEEPS. Finally, the tenth one went off. I could not find it. I looked everywhere. The beeps were taunting me and I thought to myself, “You got this. You’re ruining their prank by not letting it get to you. There can’t be many more timers.” I got closer to the beeping sound, and finally realized it was at the bottom of the garbage can covered in cereal and milk from that mornings breakfast. Richard let out the sneakiest cackle to reveal that he was the mastermind behind it all. I reached in, let it drip, and placed it on his desk. We finished the lesson that day. He then later revealed that he stole all the timers from the classrooms in our hallway, calculated the time it would be for them to go off during my class, entered the time into the timers, started them, and hid them all during breakfast. And for that, Richard is a god-damn genius.”

“The school I worked at was by no means perfect. We did the best with what we could. It was a serious struggle. However, those struggles made great, albeit slightly disturbing, stories. For example, me and my team were very close. Friends inside and outside of school. My “next door neighbor” called my room and told me to come to her classroom immediately. I ran over and she had something in her hand. She seemed very calm so I assumed whatever was in her hand was nothing terrible. I thought this until she said, “I’m holding poop right now.” I had no words. My first thought was, “why the hell is it still in your hand.” Turns out, one of her students went to the bathroom, took a shit into a paper towel and brought it back to class. No one saw, no one noticed until everyone was on the carpet for a lesson. A student said “Why does it smell like poop??” To which the student who DID IT freaked out that he found shit on the carpet. Turns out, this student brought the shit back and left it on the carpet then pretended someone else did it. Jokes on him, we have cameras. Although I guess jokes on us because we were the ones to deal with it…”

Between boners, elaborate pranks, and bringing souvenirs back from the bathroom, it’s clear that shit these people with more than earns them the right to have the summer off. Teachers have one of the most difficult and rewarding jobs out there. My friend put it like this, “teaching can be beautiful and rewarding when a kid learns to read, or solves a math problem that you know has been really difficult for him or her in the past. It can also be really frustrating when they don’t listen, or you feel like you aren’t making a difference. But mostly, it’s fucking hilarious and you think to yourself, “I can’t wait to tell [insert friend/significant other’s name here] about what happened today.”

So, stay tuned until tomorrow afternoon for more stories from our fellow teachers. And please by all means, send me a story or two via Facebook or right to mycousinvinny22@gmail.com. All stories will be kept anonymous of course.