People of the Streets

So, recently I visited the city of San Francisco, old Saint Frankie, if you will. It was only an hour flight from Vegas so I figured why not. I landed on a Friday night and I was basically planning on just exploring the city. Well let me tell you about the homeless people in San Francisco. Its a real problem. They’re everywhere. I’m not sure if San Francisco is working to fix this problem but they’re a day late and a dollar short. You can’t walk anywhere without people yelling at you, casually trying to bump into you, or just eerily staring at you like they’d eat you. Where the fuck did all of these people come from anyway. Do they just know that this is where homeless people all come to live? Is there some sort of homeless people online chat where they all tell each other where the best places to live are? Possibly coming soon “homeless tinder.”

I understand that San Francisco is probably a great place for a homeless person to live. The weather seemed mild and the people even milder. No one seems to care about what anyone else is doing, which is great on one hand, because you know social equality and what not. Which just to be clear, I’m not shit talking social equality. I’m shit talking the clear lack of care that the streets you live on are filled with people living in tents. Nobody cares and people are constantly giving them money. There are so many of them, how can people afford to just give away all their money to the homeless? Its unreal.

Unfortunately, I had a lot of different questions answered that I didn’t really even need to know the answer to. First off, homeless people do not have to abide by the same laws as everyone else. They can yell slurs and deal drugs right out in the open and everyone ignores it like its two pigeons squawking over a piece of bread. I asked someone what they do living here with all these homeless people, and he said, “Well everyone just ignores it, its not really a problem.” JUST BECAUSE YOU IGNORE IT, DOESN’T MEAN ITS NOT A PROBLEM GUY. Its a real problem.

Second, the social activists who are also running rampant throughout San Francisco are just as bad as the homeless people, if not worse. The homeless people will ask for money. That’s fine I get that. I can keep walking and basically ignore anyone. The social activists are clean normal looking people and when one of them asked to talked to me, I obliged. She told me all about how I can help and be a part of their cause to which I answered  “Hell yeah, what can I do to help?” To which she responded, “give me some money.” Everyone up there wants money. This girl didn’t make it easy for me to walk away. She made me feel bad that I have all this money hoarded away that I’m keeping from the refugees. Little does she know, I’m a college graduate with just a bit of debt piled up. She wants me to donate 2 dollars a day. 2 dollars a day?! I gave up coffee because I couldn’t afford 2 dollars a day. You want my help planning something, I’m in. But I’m no fucking philanthropist. I asked her how much money she was donating and that was when she realized she wasn’t getting any money from me. So just like the homeless people, she grumbled and trudged away.

Third and finally, I learned that everyone has to wipe after they go to the bathroom. Even the homeless people. Even if that means wiping right in front of a public garbage pail. The first guy I saw, pants around his ankles, awkwardly squatting with his knees bending outwards, wiping back-to-front with a newspaper, I swear I tried to look away. I tried not to look back but it was just too bizarre not to. I literally felt like I was in bizarro world. A twilight zone where the rules for bathrooms aren’t around anymore. Anyway, this guy and I made eye contact on about his third wipe and he became EXTREMELY angry. First, he kind of had that look in his eye, the one your dog has when he catches you watching him take a shit. But then rage filled his eyes. He literally started chasing after me while trying to pull his pants up. It was the scariest couple seconds of my life. He was calling me some terrible shit. Like you n***** and f*****. Not the ‘f’ word that I use either. I was just so flabbergasted. He was like, “GET OUT OF HEREE!” as if I just walked into the bathroom on him. Take it easy guy, this is a public fucking street you’re shitting on. Its not like I had to open a door to see this. I don’t care how homeless you are, you have to know that’s not my fault for seeing you wipe your own feces onto a newspaper. The worst part was, this was a busy-ish street, and not one person said anything to me. Not one person was concerned. So, I thought that was weird San Francisco. Like these fucks, will share their food, money, and drugs with the homeless people, but if ones chasing after a bald man, they all pretend like their blind to the world. So fuck that.

So,  San Francisco was overall “fun” as you can see. I would go back, not specifically for any of the aforementioned reasons, but you know sight seeing and good food. Oh yeah, my last night there, I saw another person, this time a woman, wiping her ass back-to-front. Big mistake lady. Get with the program.


So, most people have heard of bitmoji by now, I’m sure, but if you haven’t, let me give you a little synopsis. Its basically just a little cartoon character that you create of yourself and you can send it in your iMessage. In general, you try to make this cartoon look as similar to you as you can by changing the shape of the head, the color of the eyes, skin tone, etc. Some people make theirs spot on, others, not so much.

Well, I created one and I was like damn, that looks exactly like me. Its like a cartoon of me. It looked perfect. But recently, I saw someone’s and I wondered, “what the fuck does this guy think he looks like.” It’s not as if he made himself like taller or better looking or something, because you obviously can’t do that with a cartoon; unless you’re into like cartoon porn or something, in which case, you have bigger problems than never having looked in a mirror. This character just looked nothing like him. The character looked like Justin Bieber mean while, this guy looks like fuckin Pete Davidson in real life. Maybe it was just a joke and I’m really overreacting.

So, looking at this stupid, little, cartoon head, I thought to myself, “maybe he really does think he looks like this.” It then dawned on me, what if I perceive myself just as oddly as this guy perceives himself. I couldn’t be that stupid, could I? No I definitely couldn’t be. Also, I pretty much look like every bald guy, I mean, people even tell me I look like a younger Jamie Foxx. So, maybe we all just perceive ourselves differently. Some people say ‘don’t judge a book by it’s cover.’ I say, “well then, why the fuck is there a cover.”


Well, I Guess I’m Just a Big Jerk Off

So as you all know I live out in Vegas and friends here are hard to come by. I thought they were joking when they said this place is transient, but essentially everyone I have met since I’ve been here has already moved. I hangout at a few different places regularly where I talk to the bartenders that know me as a regular. I went to one of those bars today to catch the last round of the Master’s. I’m sitting there alone. To clarify it is very obvious that I am alone. I am at the bar eating and having a drink and there’s no one in either seat next to me. It is a semi-circle bar and I’m at what you could call the left corner if you were looking at it like it was a smile. Two seats to my left is a couple and two seats to my right is a girl by herself. So we’re all just sitting there. About ten minutes after I get there, the couple yells, “hey are you all alone?” Naturally, I look because my answer is about to be yes. But they are talking to the girl to my right. She replies back, “Uh, yeah?” The couple asks her to have a drink with them. The girl in the couple literally says, “oh my god you’re alone? come have a drink with us?” What the fuck. For a second I look down at my shirt to see if I’m wearing anything offensive. No of course I’m not wearing anything offensive, PLUS my dick was still in my pants. SO for a second I wasn’t sure why I got passed over for the invite. Maybe they were sexist. Maybe they were trying to get a Menage trois going. I don’t know. We were all similar ages. But please people… COMMENT, tell me what you fuckin think cause I’m baffled. But, maybe,  I guess it could all be that I’m just a big jerkoff. We’ll never know but opinions are welcome.

A rush to the airport

I ubered for a while this morning. I started out and everything went fairly well. I was picking someone up at Bally’s Hotel and Casino. I texted the guy and I asked him where he was. Naturally, he wasn’t where he was supposed to be for pickup at that casino. I get to the next entrance and a man and his girlfriend wave me down. I got out to help them with their bags and the man was telling me that I needed to get them to the airport ASAP. They jump in and I speed off. I’m on my way to the airport when I realized this couple cancelled the ride. I asked the guy what happened and he said it wasn’t cancelled. That was when I realized I picked up the wrong people. Also, when I realized my GPS wasn’t even taking me to the airport. I looked at my texts and I received a text from the guy I was supposed to pick up, “Did you just leave me here?” I felt like a fucking moron but also felt bad for the two idiots who slept to late to catch their flight. I tell the guy don’t worry about it I’ll still drop them off because it was my fault. They didn’t have any cash so they were trying to figure out how they were going to pay me. I told them not to worry about it because at this point I didn’t care. His girlfriend pulls out two visa cards. I hear her tell her husband that one card is $10 and the other is $20. So this prick decides he’s going to be really funny. He says,”Hey kid, pick a card. It’s Vegas right take a chance.” This dick wants to play some sort of game with me. I told him no again because I’m not some shmuck who needs a $10 dollar visa card that badly. The girlfriend then tells him he’s a dick and says “give him both of the cards you jerkoff.” So way to be a dick guy. Now you paid me $30 to drive you 3 miles. Obviously the cards might not have any money, so I might get screwed anyway. But hopefully it is some kind of good karma. Most likely though I drove them for free. So if you were wondering how uber is, it kind of sucks.

What I found out at work today.

So today my boss called me into her office today to tell me about an interesting conversation she had with one of my patients last night. My boss called this woman to confirm an appointment time so my patient decides this is a good opportunity to ask questions about me. So ya know what she fuckin says… by the way this a woman in her 70s. She said, (and I quote). Is that Vincent really straight? What the fuck is that. Would you ever call someones place of business and ask what kinda genitals they prefer. If you’re wondering if I’m going to say something to this patient…Yes I fucking am. The weirdest part is that last week a patient asked the same questions because she felt I’d be better to work with if I was gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that) but what the fuck difference does it make. I don’t know but I’ll update soon on the response. Also, apparently there were some problems with the photos taken of me for the company’s website. My head is too shiny for outside pictures so the photographer had to photoshop my head. There’s hundreds of millions of bald guys, do they all photoshop their picture or is my head so big and fucking shiny we can’t get a good picture. But I ended up looking up pictures of someone who people say I look a lot alike (Jamie Foxx) and apparently he has the same problem so it all adds up now. It’s a tough life me and Jamie live.