Being A Yankee Fan

People hate the Yankees. It’s no surprise with the amount of money the team pays out to some of the greatest players there ever were. I get that we are never really going to be “underdogs” with the salary we have, but to me, it sure as hell feels like it. One side of my family roots for the Met’s and the other roots for the Yankees. I’ve grown up feeling the hate they had watching the Yankees win pennant after pennant. The good part about living in New York was just that. Although half of the New Yorkers hated the Yankees, the other half loved them.

Being outside of New York, I now realize everyone hates the Yankees. There is no half of the population out here that likes the Yankees. I was at the bar last night and felt the reality of this when I walked in with my Yankees hat and Bronx Bombers t-shirt. I was heckled within an 5 minutes of being inside the bar. One guy immediately started chastising me as soon as I walked in. The guy is telling me, “the Yankees don’t belong here,” “Aaron Judge isn’t an MVP with all these strikeouts,” and “They’re lucky the ump is calling all these strikes.” I wanted to tell the guy, “listen you fuck, the Yankees are here in the ALCS with the other team, what the fuck do you mean they don’t belong here?” Instead I just said, “oh yeah? Where’s your team?” To which he replied “waiting for your to play in the World Series.” Okay sir, you may have got me here, but I’ll get you back. Mark my words.

Another guy came over to me and actually whispered in my ear and said “the Yankees suck.” This one just really creeped me out. I’m not sure why he felt like he needed to whisper this in my ear. This guy had to be at least 50 years old. It just seemed like an odd way of expressing your feelings toward my team choice.

Most of the bar was rooting for the Astros. Actually, let me rephrase that. Most of the bar was rooting AGAINST the Yankees. People were yelling and screaming about it. The only guy who was rooting for the Yankees was this guy who was seemingly annoyed by the first man who was heckling me.

This man was very drunk by the end of the game, and got really fired up when the Yankees lost. He put his arm around my shoulder like we were friends and continued reaming into me. So, finally I was about to get my revenge. His wife was visibly pissed off about how drunk he was. He was at that point of belligerency where you don’t care about the amount of trouble you’re going to be in the morning. Nothing seems to matter except trying not fall over. He was cooked. Roasted. Toasted. Lit up like a Christmas Tree. His wife was trying to drag him out of the bar and it was clear he didn’t want to leave but he was about to cave. So, I baited him right in front of his wife. So, like any good New Yorker, I made him an offer he couldn’t refuse. I through my arm around his shoulder, yelled to the bartender, “two shots of Jameson,” and watched the hilarity ensue. She starts hollering at him and tried to grab his keys. That’s when they really got into a fight. She pointed at him and said, “don’t you take that shot.” I looked at her, looked back at him, clinked glasses and watched him down his shot. She grabbed his keys and stormed out. I looked at the guy next to me and smiled. I’m fairly certain he knew how diabolical this was. You may have won game 6, but enjoy sleeping on the couch asshole.

So, to all the Yankee haters, keep fueling the fire. The Yankees have won 27 World Series being the most hated team in America and they’re only going to win more. I want to thank the good lord for making me a Yankee [fan]. So, while your team enjoys golf the Bronx Bombers go back to work tonight. Let’s go Yankees!

Office Etiquette

If you have ever worked in an office, no matter how big or small, you know there are  unwritten rules that you should observe. If you have just began working in an office, then please listen very carefully for the safety of your coworkers. These following rules can make or break your career.

  1. Saying Hello: There is 1, maybe 2 times, when this word should come out of your mouth. That time is in the morning. Saying hello several times to people is not necessary in an office environment where you may run into the same person 20 times. One hello in the morning will suffice, and maybe one in the afternoon if someone is returning from lunch. But otherwise, use your ‘hellos’ sparsely.
  2. Personal Belongings: It has come to my attention, that in an office environment, people take whatever they want without asking. If it is in my office, don’t fucking touch it, unless I tell you too. Leave my phone charger right where it is. In general it doesn’t seem like people will steal an entire lunch anymore, but people feel that snacks are fair game. Just because I left it in the kitchen, doesn’t make it yours. Leave my Cheetos alone.
  3. Clothing: Take off the fucking hat you big jerk. Hats are made for outside. They are to protect your stupid head from getting any more damage than is clearly already done. Do not wear a hat in an office. Also, if you’re a man or a woman, do not show your toes. Unless you are a life guard, you should have your disgusting toe cheese in a shoe of some sort. Nobody wants to look at your toes all day. Nobody wants to smell your toes all day.
  4. Birthdays: Everything Elaine Benis has ever said about birthdays is 100% correct. There should be one day of the year where you celebrate everyone’s birthday, this way there isn’t a cake every other week or month. Also, if you work in a small office, you probably struggle with whether or not you should get someone a birthday present. One of the secretaries asked me what I was getting the other secretary for her birthday. I had no idea because we had never done that before. Then I thought, “I better get her something because my birthday is the day after hers and if she gets me something I’ll look like a jerk.” So, I just picked her up some flowers. I came in to work and gave them to her. Ten minutes later she handed me 14 bucks cash. In the words of Elaine again, “Cash!?!?!” Yes, it was 14 bucks cash. I obviously couldn’t try to give it back, even though obviously I was the one who made her feel bad by getting flowers. Should’ve just stuck to my guns and got nothing. Learned my lesson though. Never getting anyone a gift now. Especially, because the flowers were only $5.
  5. Religion and Politics: Just please, please, keep it to yourself. It may seem like everyone has the same beliefs as you, but that may be false. Actually, it’s probably false. Remember that you might have to work with these people for years. Wars have been started over religion and politics. It doesn’t do an office environment well. It pressures people and makes people uncomfortable. Believe whatever you want, just talk about it the other 128 hours a week that you aren’t at work.
  6. Your Baggage: Just like when you start dating a new person you should dump your baggage, when you go to work you should leave your baggage home. The office is a place of business. Some people just want to do their jobs and go home. The office isn’t your therapy center nor am I you therapist. We all listen because we don’t want to do something rude, like walk away, and then have to continue working with you. I hate crying. It makes me extremely uncomfortable. So, if you do start crying I will probably just walk away. I have done it before and I will do it again. I’m not saying I want to walk into the office and do as little as possible and leave. I’m saying SOME people show up to work and work very hard. They care about their job very much. They want to come to work and do their job because they care about it. Something they don’t care about, is you and your feelings.
  7. The Kitchen: The kitchen should not look like your kitchen at home. It should not be a fucking disaster of unwashed, crusty, dishes. Clean up after yourself. That doesn’t mean just fill your bowl with water and leave it there. It certainly doesn’t mean that you can make oatmeal and leave the dirty dish in the sink with water because it’s “soaking.” Wash the goddamn bowl and scrub it hard if you have to. If you don’t have a kitchen sink, definitely don’t leave a dirty dish in the bathroom near or in the sink. People shit in the bathroom all day long. That means that the food bowl, whether it belong to the office or you, is sitting there getting covered in feces dust.
  8. Leaving the Office: Here’s one that I’m guilty of and maybe a lot of other people who are new to the workforce are guilty of. People probably don’t care about your job. Unless you’re an astronaut, people don’t want to hear about it. Whether you’re a teacher, a stock broker, or even the president. Nobody cares what you do. Just do your job right so the world keeps spinning. I’m trying to work on not talking about work once I leave work. Nobody cares about your job because nobody is familiar with what you do. Even if they are, they probably don’t want to hear you complain about teaching 27 little brats went or how many solar panels you put up today. Unless you meet someone who does the same thing as you, keep the work talk to a minimum. There are plenty of other things you could be talking about.
  9. After Work Events: I get that it’s important that after work events are important for team building and camaraderie. It’s good to socialize with the people you work with so that the work environment is more comfortable. The line has to be drawn somewhere though. Like I’ll go to happy hour with you, but I don’t want to go out dancing with you. I’ll have a pot luck with you, but I don’t want to do coke off of a strippers ass with you. I’ll go to the bowling alley with you, but I won’t go on a 3 -day vacation with you to a Shakespeare Festival. Yes, I was asked to go to a Shakespeare Festival. Despite not wanting to go because most plays I have seen I haven’t liked  and because, well, it’s a Shakespeare Festival, I was going to bite the bullet and go. Luckily it fell through and it seemed like people stopped talking about it. So, keep the work events within a few miles of the job and don’t push it.
  10. Shittin’ on the Job: First off, keep it to yourself. Don’t inform the office about what you are going to do. Second, I don’t know how people go in public places. On one hand, I want to hover, but on the other hand I want to be comfortable. I also don’t want to waste my time making a toilet paper toilet cover. I just want to go in peace. My ultimate goal in life would be to have a private bathroom. That’s all a someone can ask for. I know with my career path that it’s very unlikely. But who knows.  Maybe I’ll get lucky and find an unused hidden bathroom somewhere. That would be equally as good as a private bathroom if not better. Only I would know about it, and every time I went, I would have to be stealthy, so as not to invite others to bask in my discovery.

So, there you have it. Here are just some rules of the trade for those of you just joining the workforce. If you’ve been part of the workforce and you’re failing to abide by these, please take a look at yourself. Either you’re doing it on purpose to be spiteful, or you really need to think about your behavior. Either way, get with the program. People don’t have time for your nonsense. Should we be following any other rules in the workplace? Probably tons more, I think ten is a good start, so if you think of any others please share.

Pleasantries and Niceties

I was reading about Russian culture recently and apparently they don’t share our value for incessant niceties. They don’t appreciate the nice smiles, head nods, or small talk that Americans take part in everyday. So, why do we do it?

In the past week I have said some form of greeting to different people on four separate occasions, with zero response. Nothing, not even a head nod. I obviously keep walking muttering shit to myself like a crazy person. I went out of my way to say hi to these people and I get zero response. This brings me back to the possibility that I look like an asshole. This has been proven time and time again, but when you say hi to someone usually they could give some kind of response. Even if its just a grunt, “morning”, or “nice day today.”

This week of being ignored made me really think about Russia and why they may not share our belief in constant smiling and hellos. Apparently, because of the untrustworthy nature of their country and constant government trickery, smiling is thought to show dishonesty. Russian people are also more likely to associate smiling with stupidity. That one, I get. The lack of small talk and unnecessary conversation is associated with the need for honesty among the citizens. Makes sense. When your government is shady as fuck, you need some type of consistency and honesty. But fuck, what government isn’t being shady lately.

So, why do we say hello to everyone we see? Everyday, I have to say hello to every other idiot walking their dog in this complex. I have to talk to every shmuck in the dog park. For what reason? Especially when all I hear about is their great job and life. It’s sickening. I’m not a very talkative person with strangers. I’m more of a listener, but it amazes me how long people can talk about themselves. I actually don’t mind this part because usually a person will tell some ridiculous life story and in turn, I’ll write it on here. It also means I don’t have to talk about myself. We’re not really allowed to talk about anything anymore though. So, all we have left is the weather, and even that we fight about.

I mentioned to someone the other day that I would love to live in South Carolina or somewhere down south because of the weather, but I’m not sure how I’d feel about being in such a old school part of the south. The person then said to me, “well, let’s not get into politics.” Let’s not get into politics? I’m just saying I don’t think I could live somewhere where people live their lives focused on Friday night High School Football and church on Sundays. It just seems like a different lifestyle to me.

For the next couple weeks, I’m only saying hi to people if they initiate the conversation with me. I’m no longer going out of my way to be pleasant. Why do I even do it? To satisfy some need to please everyone I think. I’m not really a first impression type of guy when it comes to being friends with people. I’m more of an acquired taste, like a raw oyster. Some people try it over and over again and eventually it grows on them or they try it once and vomit and it puts a bad taste in their mouth for the rest of their living days. I’m not going to try to be nice anymore, you get what you get people and you don’t get upset. 



Las Vegas Tragedy: Can We Keep Going?

Last night, a tragedy occurred. An act of cowardice on unsuspecting people attending a country festival. The somber feel, the cold brisk morning, reminds me of the morning of 9/11 and waiting to hear that my father was going to come home. You try to go out and enjoy your life but it just seems as though no place is safe. Why is it that people want to terrorize us, destroy our sanity, and create angst among us? I don’t think we will ever have the answer.

This morning, I was listening to the radio and someone said that festivals are still a safe place. He also said that we cannot stop enjoying entertainment because of these tragedies. I think that this man was right and wrong. Nowhere will ever be safe but that doesn’t mean we should stop going.

Festivals are not a safe place. Malls are not a safe place. Hospitals are not a safe place. We are no longer safe in our own home. Unfortunately, this is the world we live in. The world we created; a world of fear, anxiety, disdain, and outright hatred. Yet for some reason, we haven’t given up.

There’s something in humans that allows us to push forward despite the worst happening. We all have experienced terrible things, and my thoughts go out to every family affected by this awful event. We all still keep going. No matter how deep the pain, no matter how horrible the storm, no matter how terrified we are, we walk out of our houses each day and try again. We try to enjoy our day, our week, our life, even if it is Monday again. We go to work teach our children that the sun will always come up and we help our elderly know that they will never be left alone to suffer by themselves. Whether you know it or not, we work each day to make this world a better place. Despite living in a world where people want to instill fear, we walk out of our front doors every day and show courage. Anxious because of every tragedy that could occur, we keep telling ourselves, not today. Living in a world filled with hatred, we find a way to show love and respect for people close to us. We band together to donate blood and food, make sure that people we know are okay, or be there for a friend or someone who needs us.

We cannot let tragedy stop us from living. We have to keep enjoying every aspect of our life. Enjoy that you might be sitting in traffic on your way home today. Say good morning to the person who doesn’t hold the door to Starbucks for you. Love your family and friends and talk to them every day. Don’t tell yourself, “I’ll just talk to them in the morning.” Death is imminent. So, live today because there is no guarantee. There is no life insurance that will give you a few extra seconds to say goodbye. Don’t let fear drive your life. Your love for what you do on each every day should drive your life. Your ability to criticize and change the world should drive you on each and every day. Once you stop going, trying, and putting on a brave face, they win. These lunatics, can’t break us. People are not unfixable. People are not weak. We all will keep going no matter what life throws at us. We are Boston Strong, we are Long Island Strong, we are Vegas Strong, we are America strong, we are strong as humans who come together to weather the storm. That’s why we will keep going to festivals, sports games, work, restaurants, hospitals, and everywhere we have been going for our entire lives.

My thoughts go out to anyone affected by this tragedy, some more than others. This is something we are all affected by and should all be affected by. Live in the wake of death. Everyday can be better or worse than the next, but we get to decide how we are going to keep living. They don’t decide. We decide. Because we are humans. Looking in the face of thousands and thousands of years or torture, terrorism, and war, we wake up every day and sometimes we just smile. Sometimes we laugh, sometimes we cry. But we can never allow someone to decide how we are going to feel. I said before, that we will never know why people want to terrorize us, but I realize that I can’t control that no matter what I do. I can control how I will continue to live, don’t live in fear, live in spite of fear. When you get home today, show some love and create some happiness, because that is the most courageous thing you can do living in a world where terror is waiting at every turn. There is something good about every day, whether it be someone making you laugh, the sun shining down, or a kiss from someone you love. A wackjob with a gun can think he’s taking that away from us, but fuck him, and keep going because we’re here for a good time, not a long time.

This Crazy Little Thing We Call Life

The other day I got a bill in the mail from the organization I get my certifications from for work. I wasn’t expecting to get a bill because I was told to pay $286. I had already paid this sum. They charged me another $225. They made me pay $511 just to get a piece of paper that says I’m a speech pathologist. For a second, I rethought if I even wanted to be a speech pathologist anymore for that price.

I get on the phone with the organization to find out what’s going on, long story short, the lady explained to me why it was $511, I responded with “jesus fucking christ, that’s a lot of fucking money.” She had hung up before I could even say another word.

I called back to pay the fee the next day, because I really had no choice. Not enough of you people read my blog, so until I become as rich as Stephen King or as famous as Ernest Hemmingway, I’ll be a speech pathologist. I was on the phone with the girl for over 30 minutes to pay the stupid bill. She made me hang up and call the bank because she told me my debit card wasn’t working. After talking to the bank now, they tell me that my card is not having a problem. I made her give me her direct number so I could call her back with the obvious news that it was her fault. Fuck her. She was so cheery on the phone, like a cartoon fucking bunny rabbit. Ten minutes later its figured out. Problem solved.

I feel like I’m constantly jumping through hoops just to survive. College was where it all started. Just a bunch of hoops to jump through. Can you sit through History of Jazz for enough classes to pass? Can you memorize enough art pieces to get a decent grade in Art of the Western World. Will you show up at office hours to really kiss some ass, so one day someone will write you a letter of recommendation? It’s all a big joke. People will tell you its networking but its not. If anything, you have a better chance at making a friend with a professor than a mentor. I had a couple really nice professors, don’t get me wrong. But i’ve also had some who could not care less that you were struggling, even when you came to office hours.

I had one professor who I really liked. I thought he was a great guy, but apparently the rest of the staff didn’t because he got pushed out like Nixon in the Watergate Scandal.

What hoops you are willing to jump through, define what you will be able to accomplish in your life. It’s not as simple as work hard and you’ll get what you want. Sometimes you really have to do some shitty things, like sit through writing poetry, where my fellow millenials attempted to create deep and meaningful poems. I always got told that my poems didn’t have any meaning. What the fuck do you want man? I show up and I write the poems, do you need me to cry for you too, you sick fuck.

After college, people might decide to go right to work and others might decide, “let’s do some more school.” Well, if you decide the more school route, guess what you have to do again. You have to fill out tedious applications for hours, get letters of recommendation, order you transcripts, order your test scores, and go to interviews at schools far, far away. I didn’t have to worry about interviewing all that much because I only heard back from one school out of the thirteen I applied to over the course of two years. Hundreds and hundreds of dollars wasted. Well I guess not totally wasted, because I did end up going to grad school. Jump through every single one of those hoops to get into the only college where my application was free. Its a cruel world people, get used to it.

Now what I do is I just jump through each hoop, one at a fucking time. It makes each ring of fire a little less painful. Each interaction a little more tolerable and each experience a story of its own.

Hiking Etiquette

I’m going to go right ahead and say I’m a pretty active guy. As I write this, it’s about 5:30 in the morning and I’m getting ready to head to the gym. I just finished walking the dog about 3 miles. I even eat somewhat healthy…somewhat. I enjoy the occasional giant glass of wine and I’m a sucker for French Fries. Not so much a dessert guy though, although for a solid two years my friends called me “Fat Vinny.” But we’re not here to talk about my diet, or the irreversible psychological damage my friends have done to me over the years.  We’re here to talk about the new craze of hiking.

I say new because I don’t think most people were into hiking before they found out they can Instagram a selfie from the top of the mountain (guilty). Most of the hiking I have done since I’ve moved to Las Vegas has been alone. I thought it was a cool solo thing to do.

This should be rule one of hiking etiquette. Never go hiking alone. You don’t want to end up like a fucked up Liam Neeson movie. You’re not going to be able to walk on a broken leg or fight off an Arctic Wolf. You will unfortunately meet your demise rather quickly. At least least any of us Americans. A year ago in Japan, 7 year old, Yamata Tanooka, was left in bear infested woods by his parents as punishment. He survived 6 whole days until someone found him by accident. His father was quoted saying, “I really didn’t think it would come to that. I went to far.” Oh, you fucking think you went too far? I don’t know how you survived Yamata, but next time you’re at the zoo, push Daddy-o into the bear infested bear pit, see if he lasts 6 days.

So, don’t go hiking alone. You’re not as savvy as that 7 year old. A few months ago, I went hiking with a friend and I fell off about a 6 foot lip while we were coming down. It was definitely a lot scarier for me than it was for my friend. He was laughing his ass off while I was laying there moaning in pain. Overall, I was fine but if I would’ve fell off the actual drop, I’d have been shit out of luck. 

Also, I don’t care if you don’t know where you’re going, but at least know where you came from. Asking the next guy you see on the path which direction you should go is not going to be the move. One, he probably doesn’t know where he’s going either. Two, when people ask me for directions I just like to point and say, “yep, just head that way.” Just follow the trail signs and remember where you parked and you should be ok. Like I said, “should be.”

One part of the etiquette I’m not really too sure about is when you start walking the same path as another group. I’m not about to do a 3 mile hike with three weirdos who continuously talk about how they don’t normally hike and they continuously ask about the hikes you’ve been on. Shut the fuck up and enjoy the nature or whatever. We just decided to walk much faster than these people until they were no longer near us. As much as I love listening to people, I’m completely antisocial. I want little snippets of these people’s lives not a 2 hour hikes worth. 

I want to be real honest here, I fucking hate hiking. I don’t mind it once I’m at the top of that bitch. But hiking here is like hiking up a big dirt hill for hours. Nothing changes. A couple cacti here and there. No running water whatsoever, and when you get to the top guess what you see. You see the one thing you were trying to get away from to begin with. The fucking Las Vegas Strip. People always say enjoy the journey and I believe that, just not when it comes to hiking. When it comes to hiking I’m strictly a destination type of guy. 

The Impossible Task of Making Friends

When is the last time you have made a friend? Was it because you were perfect soulmate bffs? Or was it because you just spend x amount of time with each other? Did you start talking because you have the most similar interests? Or do you just have a similar complaints throughout the day as they do? What the fuck is a friend if not a person you jointly complain with?

If you ‘re now saying to yourself, “no, I make friends all the time by getting to know people and their interests,” I’d have to say you’re a better person than me. I haven’t made a new friend in about 9 months. Going to school, you make friends easily. The purpose of college is to network. If you can jump through all the hoops while you’re “networking”, then you get this stupid piece of paper at the end that says you’re smart. Don’t let it fool you, you’re not. You can even go back for two more years and get a master’s degree to be even smarter. Once again, that doesn’t make you any smarter either. The one thing you probably did gain, is a few solid friends, whom you may not even be friends with any longer after you left.

Now, let’s get to the real problem. How to make friends as an adult. Is that even a possible thing? I live with my girlfriend now, so it’s not like I can just go find new roommates to make friends with. So, what do we do to make new friends?

Well the first thing we did was tried to become regulars at a bar. If you read this blog before then you know this. If not, go back and read it, I don’t have time to re-explain. We decided after slowly becoming regulars at this bar that we actually fucking hated it. The bar was filled with smoke and the worst people in the world. The last time we went, we sat next to some fat shmuck who was drinking Budweiser and sang the entirety of Jolene by Zac Brown Band. As he was about 1/4 of the way into the song, I asked Marisa if she wants to go somewhere else, and I got the usual indecisive girlfriend answer (no offense Bae). Now about half way through the song, I ask again and get the same response. 3/4 of the way through, I finally decide I have had it and say, “chug that beer, this is no longer “our” bar, we have to leave So, clearly, regulars at the bar is not an option.

Then we thought we’d try BumbleBFF. We thought let’s try something really fucking stupid. If you’re wondering if that worked. Don’t wonder, don’t try it. Fuck the internet when it comes to making friends. For all you people that met on Tinder, let me know how that’s going. 

Finally, we thought let’s go out and meet friends the old-fashioned way, we’ll go to a bar. Well, we did just that. First bar, there was no one around. We scouted out a few couples and came up with their interesting back stories. All in all, they weren’t for us. The next bar, well, we obviously made no friends, otherwise why would I be writing this bullshit. But we did see this one drunk psychopath. This jerk off was surrounded by 3 Vegas juiceheads and one of her girlfriends. She had her eyebrows drew in just perfectly, which if I may add, is such a weird practice these days. I wonder if men are going to start doing the same thing for their chest hair to look as sexy as I do. What she did not have drawn in perfectly was her eyelashes. Nope, those babies were hanging right off her eyes like hair hanging off the wall in the shower. She kept trying to like stick them back on too. When my contact is falling out I take the fucking thing out. I don’t stand there playing with my eye for 30 minutes laughing like I just finished my 3rd pumpkin spice latte.

So, what do I think about making friends? I think it’s close to impossible for someone like me. I think people think I’m an asshole before they even meet me. Unfortunately, they’re right. But they don’t have to know that before they even meet me. Some people just act so uncomfortable around me. Maybe one day we’ll meet another couple friends here in Vegas who will drink with us, hike with us, or just make generally poor decisions with us. Maybe they’ll even carve a motherfucking pumpkin with us this month.